Every night my mind eats me alive. No rhymes. Candid, straight from the heart, no scripted lines. I lay awake, and I feel this burning inside. An unquenchable, unconquerable pain that no amount of time could describe. Fear. A fear of the irrational, the impossible, that my hell would be real once more. That my mistake, my absence of my own self being, would take me away from everything Ive changed. Or is it fear? My mind shutters; photography flashes so vivid that Im broken down to sleeplessness; physical nausea of the heart, and unanswerable wonderings that ponder my brain. As the moments pass each night, I lay awake; as my subconscious parades torturously through the memories that haunt this shattered soul. My weary eyes roll back in my skull, and my body arises from the tear soaked sheets. In these moments, I become lifeless, aside from the agony that fulfills my heart and mind. All intelligent thoughts disappear, and Im taken back to that point in time that blackens my existence, and consumes the vast majority of regret that has torn near irreparable voids in my memory. I crave sleep; that soft surrender that ends my suffering. Yet, rarely does it arrive. Rarely, do I have the pleasure of thoughts so empty that none of even my misery could replace. Nay, I do not wish for death; but instead, the death of a memory. I wish it into the farthest reaches of hells most ferocious flame; that it may burn for all the seconds of eternity. For until then, it burns my soul each waking moment of my life. Physically, I emerged from that hell as a new man. Ive fulfilled each commitment Ive made, and continue to walk in the strides of those adorned in white that lifted my soul from that ignorant, unfound being that I once was. Although my soul was clear, my mind was cloudy with a chance of thunderstorms. I danced through life as a hurricane, while my heart remained pure, calm; the eye of the storm. Suddenly, the grassy plains of the earth shifted apart, and even my tidal waves couldnt dampen the fires of hell. Yet, my soul stayed strong. As Im forced to look back each night, Im reacquainted with the unbreakable faith I acquired at my lowest possible point. From the deepest and most fearsome lava pit down below, a hand pushed through and grabbed my own from above. Im reminded of how it felt to read those Psalms, and to have confidence in the plan of a higher power. And from that hell, came greatness. The clouds dispersed, and the light that I kept bottled up inside finally showed through. As Im writing this, those evil thoughts; those questions and horrific memories, are fading away. For how long, Im unsure. Each night I feel overwhelmed and consumed with the regret and remorse of a million men. Im crushed below the weight of the world upon my chest, and I squirm out from beneath just far enough, so that I can escape through sleep. My mind is poisoned with so much pain from the past. And I cannot seem to release it. My faith allows me to move forward. My confidence in my own self; my true self, propels me towards my destiny; to accomplish all of my dreams. Yet, I cannot escape the pain of my past. Perhaps, its there as a reminder that I must always know myself, and forsake the tendencies that accompany my hereditary condition. I will not be a label. And I will not be an excuse. But most of all, I will never allow it to affect my life again. I know me. I know my faith. I know the people that I love, and the things I want in this world. And maybe one day, that mindset will conquer my sleepless nights. Maybe Im meant to go on this journey towards my faith, so that in the end, it will reward me with an end to my suffering; an end to the memories that haunt me. Until then, I need support. I need the love of those that I care about, and the understanding of those who care about me. Fighting a war against yourself isnt easy, and some say it cant be won. All Im hoping for, is a ceasefire. No more casualties. I just want to feel happy 100% of the time again. Even expressing these emotions to the empty void that is Facebook at 3am in the morning, Ive convinced myself of my motivations once more. And perhaps, now I can attempt to fall into a fairly lengthy slumber. I do hope that someone makes it down this far, and reads my thoughts at this most uneventful hour, or even at some point later in the day. I feel like talking about my regrets, and making my own issues known to someone else (clearly I dont have many personal acquaintances that I could vent to), allows me to hear what Im saying aloud for myself. Amongst all these dark, painful memories; life can get a bit lonely and difficult. Its nice to hear positivity, even if its just coming from myself. -RS
Posted on: Sat, 01 Feb 2014 07:55:32 +0000
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