Every single morning I wake up, the first thing that comes to my mind is Jaysons not here. I immediately see his big beautiful face smiling at me on the big photo board we hung on our wall. I walk out of my room and pass his door and there it is, the smell of Jaysons bedroom. Its a smell that I love but it also breaks my heart. I head downstairs and settle in for the morning news and glance at the stairs and think about Jayson skipping down the stairs saying good morning mummy in his fake British accent and then get super sad because I know I will NEVER hear him say that again. I distract myself for a few hours doing random things but a memory will make its way into my head no matter how distracted I am. I manage to make it to bedtime without breaking down and I fight my sleep with every fiber in my body because I know the second the T.V is turned off I will be forced to replay things I wish we never had to see. No matter how well we do in our day to day lives the sight of watching your youngest son die in front of your eyes after suffering for so long sticks with you no matter how bad you wish you could forget. I try to replace the bad memories with good ones but even when I do that its like I see the background images in my head that play behind the good ones. When I cant fight my sleep anymore I ask Jayson to visit my dreams. I had a dream awhile after he passed that seemed so real it actually felt like I spent the entire night with him having the best day of our lives and when I woke up I had a brand new broken heart because our visit had ended and ever since that dream I havent had another one that felt that real. The next morning it starts all over again. Im not writing this because I need prayers or well wishes. Actually I would prefer none of either for this post. I just wanted to explain how my days can be since Jayson was taken from us. I know there are countless parents that experience the same sort of day probably as often as I do. Its been almost 10 months and if anything its getting harder to push the thoughts out of my head. I have been told that around this time the numbness wears off and when people used to tell me that this would happen I would think to myself how could I feel any worse than I do right now? Well towards the beginning you learn tactics to change the subject in your mind, I used to do a la la la la thing that would stop a thought dead in its tracks until I could change the pictures in my head to something else but that doesnt work like it used to. I have tried the breathing technics but those are pretty useless at this point too. I know people say go to counseling, get some help but the idea of listening to anyone telling me how I should try to go on with things after losing Jayson makes me sick to my stomach. I am so happy it helps other people but Im not there yet. Im not ready to spill my thoughts to someone I dont know in a room by ourselves. Sometimes just writing out my feelings on here helps quite a bit. Getting them out of my head.
Posted on: Mon, 28 Jul 2014 23:48:50 +0000
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