Every time I come close to the rail-track at any train station, I remember Budapest. See, in Budapest, it sank in, that I should never stand alone, unaided near the rail track. It did not sink in that easily actually. It properly sank in one evening. That evening, I was walking alone, from a train station close to an Arkard shopping mall, on my way to the university residence center. Consumed by my own thoughts, I did not bother so much to capture loud noises from a crowd of people I barely noticed. But after I had passed, a few metres away from them, someone tapped my shoulder and apologised. I asked him why he was apologising and he told me what the noises were about. Yes, they were monkey chants aimed at yours truly. Because I had not really paid attention to the noises, it was hard to show any immediate reaction except laugh. But at the residence center, laughter did not come to me, on thinking closely about the incident, fear came. So, all those things they said about black people being pushed onto the rail track at the train station were true! So, the incidents my fellow African students talked about in whispers could happen to me too! So, walking in groups was not something to take for granted. And staying outside at night was taking a big risk. I remember these things now every time I have to wait for someone or plead for company before venturing beyond where I stay. I remember Budapest when someone tells me that I am being too sensitive when people cite their working on a Mandela project as a defence against an accusation of racist attitudes! I do not know what people think about these things. Do they know the calculations one makes before they venture out to walk in the city alone? Do they know why one stays home even when they could be out enjoying the sun? And this is where I remove my hat for those who share a skin colour with me and live this reality daily. While others are making business calculations, they are making extra safety calculations. While others are thinking of scoring goals, some are thinking of the last time fans made monkey sounds at them and maybe wondering whether they will suffer the same again. I do not know, but before one starts telling me about weird behavior, about closing up, about isolating myself, do they know how hard it is to build a stone out of my heart? Do they know how hard it is to ignore the fact that every single day I am walking around, I am praying to all tribes of gods to keep me safe? Do people know all these things? Should they know? Thanks to a Theatre of the Oppressed workshop today, all these things return to the mind without tears anymore. But then, I still will not move alone, I still will not stand close to the rail track at the train station. And no, working for some social project that helps Black children will not take away these extra safety precautions that I take daily.
Posted on: Sun, 09 Jun 2013 21:57:41 +0000
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