Everybodys favorite parenting articles are the ones that say dont worry, your kids are who they are no matter what you do. Its like there was this huge exam and some of the looser goody goodies studied for it and others didnt and in the end, the exam never happened. Sure, some of the absolute best parents I know, lets call them Matt and Rebecca for the non- sake of anonymity, have never read a parenting book or listened to one yenta speak at the local JCC. They were just born mellow, thoughtful, and caring. And their kids happened to be born laid back and spectacular. But lets be honest, most of us are not born mellow, thoughtful and caring and if we were, we may not have been raised by people who were. So most of us, go into parenting, where our instincts could really lead us astray. And while nobody loves a dont worry, your kids are who they are no matter what you do article more than me, the truth is, thats not true. I have three boys, but a penis and a propensity for show tunes is about the only thing they share in common. So , yes I get it. People are who they are and we have little influence. But we do have SOME. We do have the opportunity to teach them on a daily basis how to manage anger, how to take responsibility for our anger and mistakes, how to have power through love and connection instead of through threats and consequences. I guess if the world were so perfect and violence and racism and bullying were on the decline, than I would be more open to a just follow your instincts, if it was good enough for me, its good enough for my kids philosophy. But the truth is, its not so perfect. Im convinced the only way I will have any effect on the future is with the small gifts I can give my children as their mother. We may not create a generation of kids who are financially more successful, but what if we raised a generation of kids who did not look at power as control. What if we raised a generation of kids, that when they got angry, didnt hit or punish someone less powerful but tried desperately to see the other persons point of view. What if we raised a generation of kids, who wouldnt even think to tell someone weaker than them because I said so, end of story. Imagine the negotiation skills that person is learning in that moment. What if we raised a generation of kids that learned to listen, see another perspective, negotiate, apologize, consent, hold firm, maintain boundaries with love not threats. What if that were our gifts. For me, those things take work. It doesnt always come natural for me to see someone elses perspective when Im annoyed or tired. So laugh all you want at the goody good who studied for the test, but my goals are big and they require a little preparation.
Posted on: Wed, 06 Aug 2014 00:42:53 +0000
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