FRIDAYS IMAGO Q&A FORUM – June 27, 2014 Hello couples in the Imago community: Some of you are new to this blog. Welcome! We are presenting an Imago Q&A Forum each Friday. This is a place for those who are on the Imago couples journey to ask questions about both Imago practice and theory. Some of you sent in your Imago questions for this Fridays Imago Q&A Forum. We are pleased about this. If you have Imago questions or comments, write them to Francine & Bruce at: imagoforum@pasadenainstitute. We will keep your anonymity. Each time we will publish only one question and sometimes a short theory piece. We want the Friday Forum to be fairly short. We missed last weeks Q&A. We hope you all noticed! : -) This past month was a month of challenges for us. Francine had a hip replacement surgery on May 6. Francines mom died June 9, and Bruce had a major surgery on June 13 to remove a colon cancer. So in the process of all these appointments, we missed last weeks Q&A. We are all doing very well! NOW FOR THE QUESTION: Q: One of your guidelines for having a conscious relationship is to eliminate all criticism. But then how can my wife know what I dont like? Surely I have to tell her what I dont like! A. Well, yes, you do have to let your partner know what she can do differently to meet your needs. For a relationship to work, both members of a couple have to be willing to practice different behaviors. Yours is to learn how to make your needs known to your partner in a manner that is less likely to raise a defensive response. As long as we remain unconscious, our natural tendency is to say precisely the thing that will arouse in our partner a feeling of being under attack, therefore a reaction toward ones protective mechanism. That is SO predictable! Then, we notice our partners protective mechanism, and we attack them (criticize them) for THAT! We have started a downward spiral of attacks and counter attacks, and typically, we see what our partner is doing to cause the problem, but we are blind to our own contribution. To break this cycle, start with asking positively for what you want. For example, instead of saying, I am always late for my Wednesday meetings because you never have dinner ready on time! While that may be true, it is still unwise to tell it to your partner that way if you want a close and loving relationship. Instead, say to her, Because of my meetings on Wednesday nights, I would like to sit down to dinner at 5:45 pm. Do you think you would be able to do that? Also say, Please let me know if there is something I could do that would facilitate that. I would be so appreciative of that, darling! Notice that this is respectful, direct, positively stated and very specific. As we work with couples, we find them masters at being vague, keeping requests indirect, murky and negative. Thus insuring their requests will not be fulfilled. When you do sit down a bit earlier next Wednesday, remember to thank your partner! Not that it was perfect, but for the shift in the direction you desire. If your partner didnt meet your request, go back to the drawing board with the attitude that your partner absolutely has good will! She is a good person doing her best given the current circumstances. Instead of tearing into her for not being ready at 5:45, empathize lovingly that this is really hard to pull off. Make helpful suggestions, Would it be helpful for me to pick up some takeout food on my way home? I would love to do that. There are many, many suggestions you could make, but the real issue is how you approach her - with a recrimination and a critical punitive attitude, or with a spirit of cooperation built on the belief that she is doing her best and she wants to please you. This is our challenge to all couples out there. Relate to your partner from the place that your partner actually does want to please you. . . S/he does!! Dont believe it? Well, nowhere more than here is the following advice more appropriate - Fake it til you make it.! We wish you well on your journey toward growth and healing! _________________________________________ JOKE OF THE WEEK: (If you have a joke for the Q&A, send it to us!) The Last Supper: 1. Why was there only bread and wine at the Last Supper? It was a potluck and only men were invited. 2. What were the last words spoken at the Last Supper? Everyone who wants to be in the picture, get on this side of the table. __________________________________________ THRIVE IN YOUR IMAGO PRACTICE - A CONSCIOUSNESS RAISING ACRONYM T - Thank & Touch (Comment is on May 2) H - Have a Dialogue (Comment is on May 16) R - Review BCRs Regularly (Comment is on May 23) I - Intentionality (Comment is on May 30) V - Vision (Comment is on June 6) E - Eliminate criticism and blame (Comment is on June 13) __________________________________________ INTERNAL ADVERTISEMENT Here are the dates of our next two Getting The Love You Want Couples Workshops. We meet every two months. August 16/17, 2014 October 11/12, 2014 Tell a friend about the workshop and refer them to our website. Also, consider taking the workshop again after a year or two. It will feel fresh and new. The more you know, the more you will hear and learn. When the student is ready, the teacher appears. Our next Keeping The Love You Find workshop for individuals, also a Harville Hendrix workshop, is July 19/20, 2014. This is a good follow-up workshop for the Getting… workshop, and especially great for singles who have several failed relationships and are discouraged about ever finding the one and only. We would appreciate it if you let your friends know about these coming dates _________________________________________ INTERNAL ADVERTISEMENT: Our next parenting workshop called COLLABORATIVE PARENTING / CONNECTED FAMILIES is on Saturday, June 21, in Boulder, Colorado. Tell your friends there. The next one here is on October 25 from 9:00 am to 5:00 pm: $70 for one person / $120 for co-parents. Call our office to register. The workshop is put on by Francine (assisted by Bruce) based on Francines popular book: Raising Cooperative & Self-Confident Children: A step-by-step guide for conscious parenting. On the cover of the book Harville Hendrix says: The best guide for working with parents that I have seen. _________________________________________ INTERNAL ADVERTISEMENT: Coming IMAGO CLINICAL TRAINING for licensed psychotherapists. This is a 12 day training program leading toward becoming a Certified Imago Therapist. Coming dates are Sep 18-21, 2014; Dec 4-7, 2014; Feb 19-22, 2015. Training will be in West Los Angeles by Maya Kollman, Imago Faculty Master Trainer. Contact: Maya Kollman (609) 273-5176 or mayaimago@aol _________________________________________ We invite you to indicate that you like us. You can read the past blogs in this series below. Warmly, Francine & Bruce PS: If you would like to receive this blog each week by email, write to Francine & Bruce at: imagoforum@pasadenainstitute. We would love to have you join us!! Copyright © 2013 by Bruce Crapuchettes and Francine Beauvoir. All rights reserved.
Posted on: Fri, 27 Jun 2014 21:40:47 +0000
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