FROM TUMBLEWEED TO OAK Years ago, as a young girl, I received a tremendous blow. I was denied entry into the convent. To say that was devastating to me would be a harsh understatement. I loved God very much and wanted to live a holy life dedicated to Him. I just knew that becoming a nun was His plan for me! When Mother Superior took me aside to tell me the news, it felt like yet another failure...yet another rejection...and I didnt know how to process it. Mother Christine knew my history: sheltered, hugely inexperienced, innocent (by worlds standards) young girl with no life experience or skills, who was reeling from the divorce of her parents and subsequent abandoning of her biological Father. She knew I loved God- but she ALSO knew I was terrified of life... Mother Christine, in her wisdom, understood something that I hadnt yet grasped: God IS life. You can love Him all day long, but until you GET that, you cannot serve Him effectively- or live abundantly. We must be born again into New LIFE! Leaving the convent that day was terrifying. Humiliating. How does one manage to be rejected by nuns? I mean SERIOUSLY. Its awful. I was lonely and felt like I was in limbo. I wasnt wanted in this world OR the next. Thinking back on how terrified I was brings tears even now. What a hopeless, sorrowful place to be. As a result of that, I closed my heart to God. I loved Him, but knew then that He didnt love me. So, I built up a wall to protect myself from Him. Crazy sounding, huh? I found myself being tossed about in life, like a tumbleweed. I had no routine, no direction, no vision, dream or even HOPE for the future. I just wanted someone to scoop me up, rescue me, and show me how to DO this thing called life. When you are that empty, there are many, evil people lurking around just waiting to scoop you up. But rescuing is the farthest thing from their minds. I found myself in places that scared me. With people that scared me. Doing things that shamed and scared me. None of it EVER felt like ME, but not knowing WHO I was, I allowed people to write on me (like I had always done) and define me. I will never forget a man stopping me in a bar room one day. He looked me in the eyes harshly and said, What are you doing? Why are you here? Why are you doing this (pointing at my cigarette and beer). NONE of this is YOU. You dont belong in a place like this. You dont even look right doing it. Youre pretending. and he walked away in disgust. He was so right. But, instead of listening to his wisdom, all I heard was rejection. Again. It was years before I accepted Gods help to pull me out of that mess. His hand protected me from so much. Sooooo much. My family doesnt even know it all. Little by little, as I yielded, He showed me how to put one foot in front of the other IN HIM. My early years in God were very isolated. By then, I was married and we were in a new city- no church. No family. No friends. No car to go anywhere. Husband working 7 days a week. It was me, Jesus, and my baby boy :) I prayed about how to cook, how to clean, how to take care of my baby. I prayed for God to help me understand my babys cries so I could tend to him with excellence. I seriously prayed about EVERYTHING. I was too new, too untouched by organized religion, to know any better. I spent a lot of time isolated, but never alone. God was with me, healing me. Teaching me. Speaking life into me. Guiding me. Showing me how to do life. It was amazing!! And, through that, the coolest thing happened. I found out who I was! What was cooler was- it FELT like me!! What was even cooler was I felt ALIVE. I had been completely torn down and rebuilt IN GOD. In LIFE. And, although it was not easy, it was worth EVERY minute. There is NOTHING that can replace the confidence of knowing who you are in God!!! And, that fact has not changed in 14 years. For me- for all of us- there is no real life outside of Jesus. There cant be. HE IS LIFE!! We may walk aimlessly in the shell of our bodies trying to convince ourselves of life. But ABUNDANT LIFE takes no convincing. It needs no props to uphold it. Abundant Life is in Christ alone. There are no substitutes. Im so thankful to that sweet little Catholic nun for having the wisdom to see this!! I felt to write this today because Im sure that there are others who have been there or maybe are there now. Or maybe, my words will bring understanding and compassion for the infuriating person in your life that seems determined to fail at everything. I know that even at my worst, I was doing my best. Problem was, I was going the wrong direction. I was on the wrong planet. I was a creature desiring things of my true Home (Heaven) but searching for them here, in this hateful, fallen world. When I FINALLY yielded to God, my life of failure was washed away by the power of Psalm 1 (whatsoever he doeth shall prosper). My guilt and shame were replaced with justification and redemption. My sin soaked, tattered rags were replaced with spotless, white robes of righteousness. My ever searching tumbleweed nature was replaced with the roots of an oak tree. My fear was replaced by faith. My pain turned into strength. My tears into laughter. My bitterness into love. My emptiness filled with LIFE... THIS is the life I had longed to find in the refuge of that convent in Tennessee, all those years ago. Yes. This is THAT :) Im so thankful God had a more perfect way. He put me under the shadow of His wings, in the refuge of the Almighty God! Hallelujah.
Posted on: Fri, 01 Nov 2013 12:39:05 +0000
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