Fan Share: 3 weeks 3 days...The length of time it has been since our daughter was born still. That is 24 agonizing days, days filled with guilt, regret, anger, sadness, despair and emptiness... It was September 26th, my 23rd birthday. I laid in bed with Dave watching Kalila move around my belly, she liked to stick her bum out and roll back and forth and this is what she did that day but little did i know, this would be the last time i would feel her move. She wasnt moving that night, though i did not worry as this was normal for her especially since she getting so squished in my tummy so Dave went to work and i went to sleep. I was woken by Dave at 7AM when he got off work, I very quickly noticed i was not woken by Kalilas movements all night so i became worried. I started to poke at my belly but nothing...So i continued but pushing harder in my tummy but still, nothing. I felt panic in my mind and started begging her to move while still pushing on my stomach and still, nothing. I contacted my doula (Carmen) and questioned what could be going on? and if i should go to ER, she instructed me to go right away so that is what i did. I left for the hospital alone, Dave went to bed before i really noticed she wasnt moving so i left him sleeping. When i arrived at the ER i was admitted to the maternity room upstairs. The nurse didnt seem concerned and went to start a non stress test but when she put the heart rate monitor on my belly there was nothing but static, she questioned where they usually found her heartbeat so i answered with my lower belly. She continued searching but still could not find it, at this point i knew in my heart something was seriously wrong as she left the room to call my doctor and get me into ultrasound. I was scared and alone, i messaged Carmen that i needed her there and called my mom at work in tears telling her something was wrong.Carmen arrived shortly and told me I need to get Dave there ASAP, i called him many times but he was asleep and not hearing the phone so Carmen left with my house keys to wake him up. The nurse returned to my room with a wheelchair saying ultrasound was ready for me, she wheeled me down while the whole time my heart was pounding feeling as if it was going to explode, i was about to find out the worst news of my life. My doctor was waiting in the ultrasound room along with the technician, they began the scan and thankfully Carmen arrived with Dave. Dave stood by my side as i scanned the room to see solemn eyes all around the room, i closed my eyes and i knew...i knew my sweet Kalilas heart was no longer beating. The technician finished and my doctor told me there was no heart beat, i was in such disbelief with everything all i could come up with was really? but i quickly burst into tears. They wheeled me back upstairs while tears ran from my eyes, i laid on the bed and all i could feel was a numbness, disbelief, hopelessness. The nurse and doctor spoke to me about inducing me, talking to counselors, how sorry they were, handed me hand outs and books. All the while i could hardly grasp a word they were saying, i wanted to scream at them, at everyone. I just wanted to go home and thankfully they let me, I was given two days to process it before they would induce me on Monday morning. When we arrived home i was still numb, silent, no tears. I went up to my bedroom and laid in Daves arms but my room was filled with our plans for her, there was a bassinet in the corner, a baby monitor on my nightstand, baby blankets and pink paint from a project we were doing for her nursery. I burst into tears, i cried and i cried. I begged for them to be wrong, for her to come back, that it wasnt fair and that we didnt deserve this. The next two days was spent in bed, crying mostly and not much sleeping. My belly began to change shape and drop, i could tell she was lifeless and it killed me inside. I longed for her to move just once more. Sunday night i asked Dave to move all Kalilas stuff into her room so when i came home without her i didnt have to see it. I was terrified of the next morning, it was a fear i could not explain, how exactly was i supposed to go through labor and give birth to my dead daughter only to say goodbye. Monday morning came, we packed a bag filled with stuff for myself than a outfit, blanket and headband for Kalila. We met Carmen at 8AM at the hospital and i was induced by 8.30AM, I had an absolutely wonderful nurse thankfully. The hours passed by as the contractions got worse, i was surrounded by such great people who kept a smile on my face. There was tears, laughing and screaming on my part though the fear of what was coming never left me. It was in these hours i saw how truly amazing Dave was as he wiped my tears, held me and swept my hair from my face, never once leaving my side. 12 hours later, Kalila was born, born at 8.24PM 6lbs 15 oz 22cm long. The silence was deafening, with Josh i had heard his sweet cries but this time there was nothing. I held Dave and cried heavily with him while they took her from the room to clean and dress her as i requested. We took our time preparing before having her brought in. I was strangely eager and excited to see her, after all i had been waiting 8 months to see what she looked like. The nurse wheeled her in, she laid in a bassinet dressed in pink and wrapped in the blanket i brought for her. I cried into Dave as i mumbled how beautiful she was, an angel so perfect. The nurse placed Kalila in my arms, my heart filled with so much love. My eyes wept, not from sadness but of how beautiful she was. Even in eternal sleep, she was perfect. Dave and I spent time looking at her, laughing at her chunky double chin and talking to her. After the photographer, doula, nurses and my mom left we had time to spend alone with her where i spoke to her about how much we loved her. I told her how much i wanted her, how amazing her dad was and that i wish she got to grow to see that, i told her of her wonderful big brother and laughed while telling her she would have spent life getting beat up by him, I rocked her, kissed her and examined all of her body so i would never forget. When it came time to say goodbye i felt like i was being torn in half, how could i lay her down knowing i would never pick her up again. I had been with her since the day she was created and now i had to let her go...Dave lightly encouraged me by telling me it was time for her to rest, so i kissed her one last time, told her how sorry i was, that i loved her so very much then laid her down and tucked her blanket around her. Walking out of the room felt like i was being stabbed in the heart, walking past the rooms of happy new moms, past the mom going in to give birth. Leaving the hospital with out your baby is something no mom should have to feel. All in one night, we had said hello and goodbye to our daughter and all of our memories with her were built in a few short hours. Now we have nothing left to do but miss her, think of her and try to heal. There were many more challenges the next few days, like picking our her urn and than picking up her ashes but now its all over. Over, for people to slowly forget her and her name, for life to go on..while our lives stand still, while our hearts and lives lie shattered on the floor. Our daughter was born still, but she was still loved, still beautiful, still a blessing. This is my story, this is her story. The story of a mother with empty aching arms, a broken father, a big brother left confused and a little girl who never got to see the beauty of this world. Re-Posted by ~Jen~
Posted on: Fri, 23 Jan 2015 02:26:14 +0000
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