Finding love...5 weeks ago I never imagined my life would change as drastically as it has. I lived in the center of my cocoon only peeking out a little at a tim, only to retreat back in at the first sign of intimidation. I knew there were great things ahead of me but learning to live for them was more than I was ready for or able to do. I still had a lot of healing to do and being able to let my heart trust and be unguarded was just not a possibility, it was shattered. During this whole journey of Finding ME Ive had to dig deep as to what being in love meant and what it truly felt like. At fourteen years old I was in love and it lasted 35 years, 31 of them married. But it was a love of pain, having to be ready for the next go around and always having to protect my heart. When that love ended I was relieved and I knew it wasnt real love. Then I met D. It was a love of infatuation. It was deep to the center of my being, it was fun and it was new. It lasted nine months because it also hurt, it was dishonest, and it was unhealthy. Both of these loves were cause for me to crawl deeper and deeper into my cocoon. A cocoon of unworthiness, being unwanted, sadness, feelings of failure and so much more. They both just buried who I was alive. They both took who I was away from me but I let them. Some how I needed to learn how to live again. How to be me, to trust and to laugh and smile like I had always dreamed of. I have so much energy and spark inside of me and I so badly want to live like I always wanted too. To be able to go out with my chin up and laugh and smile and be goofy and not care what others thoughts. I want to shed my cocoon and fly but I was and still am scared. In the past every time I peeked out and started to be ME I was scared right back in by hurtful words, coldness and rejection. During all of this time though I never gave up on my faith and I prayed. I prayed and I cried to God so often to please take the pain away and to bless me with a man and a life that I knew I deserved. I know that I can be a good partner and wife someday but I needed to have that chance to prove that to him. But first I needed a man that would be receiving of my love, the way I show it and the way I give it. I needed a man who got me and wouldnt give up on me. For years God had my list of qualities that I was looking for in a man and five weeks ago I met him. I didnt know at the time we met that this man was my answered prayer. But each day I spent with him, each conversation we had and each moment we shared I felt love, compassion and hope. I felt my cocoon loosening and I could peek out a little further each day. This man brought honesty, compassion, understanding, and patients to a heart that was in so many pieces that each time he hugs me more pieces stick back together. The more conversations we have draws me further and further out from the grips of my cocoon. I can feel life around me now. I have feelings that at 50 years old I have never felt before. I have experienced so many new things in the last five weeks that I feel like a kid again. I feel like I can breathe again. I feel light all around me from every direction. I can feel my heart healing. I can feel love, I can receive love but the best feeling is being understood and being able to give my love in a way that is appreciated and accepted for everything that it is. This love is different. It is patient, it is kind, it is respectful. But the biggest difference of this love is that it is healthy, its for the right reasons and it has a foundation that is being built on the love of God. So no matter where you are in the stage of your cocoon never give up and never stop praying. I still have a ways to go to have shed my cocoon completely and Im sure that what took 35 plus years to wrap up in, it will still take a little time to completely shed but I am very a close. I know in order to love Kevin freely, fully and with complete honesty I have to release all of me and set myself free. He is showing me how to do that. He is giving me the patients the love, the acceptance and the support to learn to live an honest and healthy life but what he has given me most is the ability to live my faith and support me in my growing of trusting God. I am so glad that I never gave up as I have learned that our prayers arent answered on our timing but on Gods and His timing of answering prayers for me is NOW! 🙏❤️
Posted on: Sat, 15 Nov 2014 14:21:12 +0000
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