First of all I want to say a heartfelt thank you to everyone for their love, tears, prayers and messages. They helped more than you could ever know yesterday. Possibly because they helped me in the main to spend the day crying, wallowing in self pity, asking what if and forced to me to take the time for *me* to grieve. I dont normally I just click my heels and carry on. Lotties end was awful, there is no denying it and was possibly the most distressing thing I have ever dealt with in 40 years of life...This leads me onto a rather large thank you to another bunch of people I did not know existed until yesterday....So many people contacted me privately to thank me for my frank post regarding Lotties put to sleep. So many heartbroken people who said it helped, people who like me had a dog fight like hell at the end of their life and who for months, years in a lot of cases have been struggling to let go of their guilt because they felt like the fight meant they had let their dog down, let them go too early, made a life ending mistake and that all they ever read is how dogs have a peaceful passing and how much it has affected them. Yesterday I felt the same, hell my vet felt the same and I could see he wanted to give her more time because her eyes were so bright, he made the mistake by chatting with me and looking at her for to long! Eyes very much alive and burning with fury at once again being at the vets. The truth is you see dogs are amazing creatures we could learn a lot from them unlike us substandard humans they live for the moment, they dont give up like humans when they are ill, they dont wallow in self pity, Lottie was fine from the neck upwards. Eyes, head, brain. All possibly not understanding what the fuss was about it did not mean that riddled with cancer and DIC it was not her time. It just meant she had no understanding of just how ill she was. Just because she fought, or other peoples dogs fought there is absolutely no need to feel you made a bad decission. Its survival instinct, nothing more, nothing less and an adrenalin rush. Often by the time that things get really horrible including yesterday you are there, you are going through the motions of attempting the euthanasia and it is to late to say no, not now even though you have to fight every urge back in your mind to stop your mouth shouting NO! Then finally when the needle hits the end comes and it comes so quickly, the shock of having no time to stop when you are still not sure in your head hits you in an the most overwhelming sense that its totally mind blowing. There are many dogs who have a lovely peaceful end, I would wish that for them all BUT trust me from experience more dogs than you think fight it at the end. It still does not mean it was not there time to leave. I am so sorry for all of those people who have carried that grief & guilt around with them for years and possibly not had people who have dealt with it many times to speak with and I am glad my post yesterday gave you some closure. Quite simply you did nothing wrong. I work by the mantra a day to soon rather than a day to late in every single case. I dont want my dogs to leave a closed down shell of what they used to be because the illness has taken them so low. A vet also said to me the other day * I have never put a terminally ill dog to sleep to early* She meant full well she had seen to many way to late. Your messages actually helped ME yesterday equally to accept it for what it was and to stop the flow of guilt today that usually comes the day after letting a dog go so likewise thank you. If this post helps just one more person then it was worth typing as it it obvious there are a lot of people struggling to deal with this. Lottie should have died nearly 7 years ago in a council pound. She did not because of Gap and those who help Gap daily... That again is always a point worth remembering and today for Lotties sake and the thousands of Lotties who need our help we have to thank Lottie for the joy she bought into our lives and carry on xx Again thank you all for your kind words and support x
Posted on: Wed, 02 Apr 2014 07:15:58 +0000
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