For most of my life I have worked hard to present myself not as I was but as I wished I could be. This is a problem. Ive yet to meet anyone that can do this and maintain honest and intimate relationships with other people. The closer someone gets, the more they can see through the illusion. So I lived a life of constant pushing others away. Like a magician performing sleight of hand, I performed a tricky presentation of myself by controlling the parts of the illusion of me that others could see. I even came to believe that the phony I was might possibly be real. Of course, my desires, my hidden sins would eventually get too big to be hidden inside the limited amount of skin covering them and they would explode, shocking everyone that thought they knew me, including myself. I couldnt accept who I was and what I was so I tried in vain to hide that person and pretend he didnt exist. I couldnt stand those people that were real. I judged them harshly and pushed them away. I couldnt fool them. They had some sort of x-ray vision that could pierce through my elaborate displays of fakery. Yeah, I stooped to lower and lower levels of devising lies to cover who I was. My sanity can surely be questioned, especially in the last decade or so before I started looking at myself and peeling away the layers of trickery and exposing my imperfections and pain to God and other people. I have attended church my whole life. Ive walked in the doors and saw others in their churchiness and then been blown away when the real person emerges from their false cocoon of perfection. Ive judged them for their failures and faults and stood over them pointing the finger of blame even though I deserve it much more than they do. It was all part of my facade. Celebrate Recovery is a unique environment in many churches. From the second I walk in the door I am expected to screwed up and damaged. My faults draw the others in the program to me like moths to a flame, not to judge me, but to love me without conditions. At first I didnt know how to accept this. I didnt know how to accept them. I didnt know how to accept the unconditional grace that God had wanted me to allow to fall on me for the last several decades. I didnt know how to accept the fact that I had spend years upon years being wrong. Romans 15:7 Therefore, accept each other just as Christ has accepted you so that God will be given glory. I had to learn that Christ has accepted me. That sounds simple but being a man confused by insanity, I was easily able to muddy the waters here. I just couldnt get it through my thick head that God accepts me and I dont need to fill out an application, go through the interview process, lie on my resume, go through orientations and then worry that I am going to get fired because I am woefully under qualified for what he has called me to do. No, I get the invitation to the Kingdom of God and either accept it or reject it. Thats it. All that other stuff I knew that I couldnt get right and thought I had to do on my own, well, that was all backwards. God accepts me and then he changes me. One way is that I begin to accept others. At first, I gave myself kudos for accepting this person and that person. I was kind of picking the easier ones to accept and thinking, “Wow! This accepting thing is pretty easy.” Well, it isnt all that easy because it seems like I am expected to accept less and less deserving people as I work through this process. Yes, I said process. There is no “Accept” switch to flip and then I am accepting others and all sorts of glory is going to God. I have work to do here. If I ever feel as if I have completed this process, all I have to do is watch the news or go to Walmart on a busy day and I can see that I need to continue learning to accept others as Christ has accepted me. I must change the way I interact with others regardless of how they respond to me. Never once have I sent glory to God by smacking a jerk up side the noggin or cussing a blue streak at a bad driver. I cannot use the actions of others as an excuse for bad behavior. I cant use the words of others as a reason to hate or live in anger. There is no glory for God in that. Romans 9:22 In the same way, even though God has the right to show his anger and his power, he is very patient with those on whom his anger falls, who are destined for destruction. 23 He does this to make the riches of his glory shine even brighter on those to whom he shows mercy, who were prepared in advance for glory. These writings are not just for those that might be interested in Celebrate Recovery. They are for anyone that is living a life without reward, a life full of veils and curtains that hide who a person really is. Gods glory is not shone through secrecy and false impressions. I am grateful that God was patient with me even though I appeared to be headed for destruction. Today he shines brighter than ever and I pray I can bring glory to him alone.
Posted on: Wed, 27 Aug 2014 10:49:36 +0000
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