For several years now I have been living on strictly survival mode. Each day I get up and go to work to make sure my bills are paid. I start each day hoping my big mouth wont have knee-jerk reactions---some days Im successful, then there are those other days that truly make me think about what the hell am I doing???????? I say things others are thinking but are stifled by who knows what reasons. I just wish I had a bit more tact when Im on a tangent, because I know what Im speaking is truth, but because I am so colorful no one pays much attention, which brings me back around to the lifelong fighting with low self esteem. From the age of 4 until this present day I still cant figure out why I am so aware of my loneliness. Ive always felt Ive been on the outside looking in at the world going on without me and for several years now not being all that bothered Im not involved. That bugs me too. Have I truly grown cold? That scares me. That inner struggle makes me go a bit crazy at times. Its been suggested I should just chill out and do what others want and I wouldnt have any issues. Really? Being a chameleon is not my thing. It never has been, never will be. I just dont know why I can attract with no problem, but I just cant seem to keep. All my life in the beginning its all good then I cant talk to this one or that one, cant wear this or that, jobs-duties are good enough or done well enough, photos are great but career desires are far too costly---when all of these and more qualities is what attracted them in the first place. Just dont get it! Probably never will and probably why I will more than likely be alone the rest of my life. OH well, I suppose I should be happy that at least once in my past I experienced love and affection, that should be good enough, right? Lots of women live alone the rest of their life just fine--I need to get peace with this or I truly will go crazy. I know full well I could never trust again, maybe that is my issue. It is a very lonely life when you just cant trust anymore. Its taken me a lot of years to figure that one out. Im not your typical weirdo woman. I hear what some women have/and are doing to their significant others or exes and I just want to hurl. It amazes me what women think they are entitled to just because they have that band around their finger and they pushed out a kid or two, big freakin deal! Wow. It embarrasses me to be a woman the majority of the time. Oh Geez...see here goes my big mouth..proof positive of why I am and will stay alone. On to the next adventure: Ive not had the privilege to be totally serious about running my own business, so I am sure there are hidden things about running a successful business I am unaware of. But I will say one thing. I am an intelligent woman. I know how to treat people. I know what is fair and what isnt. I was blessed with a talent and I need to do what Ive wanted to do nearly all of my life. I am beyond tired of the constant fight in my brain over how much self esteem does it take to break out and actually take my talents to places they havent gone before. Going to the Dali truly did make me stop and ponder my life..........
Posted on: Sun, 26 Jan 2014 12:21:50 +0000
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