For the past year I have wanted to post this but have chosen to remain silent out of fear of exposing myself. I now feel brave enough to say it. Depression is not something I talk about easily. There are many days I want to reach out to friends and family and talk about my debilitating depression. I dont because I know that they will not really understand. And in the end I just feel worse having burdened them with my suffering. Sadly this is the human condition, we can never truly empathize, our brains just wont let us feel that kind of pain by choice. To be honest in the past few years suicide has been my constant companion. There is not a day that goes by that I dont question why I am still here and ponder ways to get out. My waking life has become a horrifyingly painful nightmare. Depression and PTSD is an exhausting combo. For any of you who are close to me you know that I have become extremely difficult to deal with. I am moody and irrational, I lash out and closet myself away from life because it is so painful to live. This makes me a very difficult person to be around. HERE IS THE KETCH 22: DEPRESSED PEOPLE ARE NOT FUN, because we are difficult to be around people stop coming around, or stop inviting us to do things. This only intensifies the feeling of being a burden to loved ones, feeling like there is no way out, feeling trapped and feeling isolated. This is the point where many people make the mistake saying suicide is selfish, from my depressed perspective there are days that it feels like it would be the most selfless act, to spare the world of my BS & the pain my depression causes others. My logical mind knows this is irrational, but depression is not rational. I cannot speak for all people who suffer like this but for me what has helped are the few people who have stood by me when Im being a in impossible B*#%*, the people who have not had expectation for how fast I should heal or how I should interact with the world, people who have listened without trying to give advise, really heard me when I express what I want and need (which can change in the blink of an eye). Those who simply called to say hi with no expectation and have given me my space (without getting made) when I could not pick up the phone or interact and tried again later. To all of you I am so thankful you truly have help me save my life! Sadly those people are very few. For those of you who have not know what to say, or without thinking put your foot in your mouth, to the people I have reached out to and have not responded, for those of you who have expected me to act differently (if you are reading this and think I am talking to you I am) I hope you now can hear these words. I hope they can shine some light on these situations so in the future you can be supportive of others or yourself when surfing deeply. You cannot save a person, but you can put the extra effort in and be supportive when they are being unpleasant to be around, who knows you could be the ray of hope, but don’t count on it. Since hearing of Robin Williams departure from this life I have had a heavy heart. No only because he was a great man and an inspiration to me in some of my deepest hours but because the way he left forces us to acknowledged his agonizing pain. Depression is such a difficult subject in our culture, the word is so often miss used to mean sadness. From my perspective people who have suffered from deep sadness are unable to empathize with people suffering from clinical depression. Its like comparing a paper cut to a dismember limb. Over the past few years I have read a lot of article on depression and thought many times about posting them, but could not bring myself to do it. Now Facebook is flooded with them. I found this one to be very insightful. Rest in peace Robbin and all other restless souls.
Posted on: Wed, 13 Aug 2014 19:52:19 +0000
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