For those with an extensive IQ and, at the very least an O Level in maths, the following hypothesis is going to have you spluttering milk out of both nostrils . . . dont say I didnt warn you. Statistics are wonderful things, or at least 73% of them are. They can be used to make the most unsupportable ideas seem flawless, prove that black is actually white and that 5.2 billion to build a railway line that will shave 10 whole minutes off a journey from London to Birmingham seem like a stupidly good idea, regardless of the fact that it would only cost 4.2 billion to move Birmingham 10 minutes closer to London. Personally Im hopeless with statistics, they usually involve maths and numbers, and as I still cant be shaken from the belief that all odds are effectively 50/50, its long been decided that I should step away from sums and stick to colouring in. But, even knowing my shortcomings with all things adding up, Im still fascinated by statistics and, as Ive recently become intrigued by how many CCTV cameras show up in my photographs, I thought Id give statistics a stab, just to see if I can do it and make them add up, so here goes nothing . . . one of the few numbers I fully understand. CCTV cameras are pretty much everywhere these days, some are bold and brazen, others are subtle and slightly furtive. Some are casual and almost friendly whilst others infer a definite air of threat and immediate retribution, but all are watching, some obviously with blinking LEDs, others with just the whirring of gears as they track our daily progress. We see them so often we forget theyre even there and what theyre there for. But, surprisingly there is now an estimated 1 camera for every 11 people in the UK, a total of 5.6 million, lens equipped, tracking devices that can watch our every move with surprising continuity in our densely populated cities and towns. So how does this equate? Obviously with my firm grasp of crayons Im not really the best person to break down this situation with any reliable accuracy, but Im pretty sure that my figures will be slightly more entertaining than the factual ones, even riddled with their gaping holes and bad sums, and besides, the government does this shot all the time, so how hard can it be? So, we have 5.6 million cameras watching a population of 62.2 million people. Which removes 16.8 million people from the equation straight away as we (us) need 1 person to install and maintain existing and new cameras, 1 person to watch each camera and 1 police man to arrest the bad people caught on each camera. This leaves 45.4 million people, of which 86,000 are in prison and a further 7 million are under the age of 14 and therefore classed as incapable of being naughty. Sadly 590,000 will pass away and 250,00 are just too sick to even consider being naughty even if they wanted to. 4 million are to old to be naughty, not through a sense of civic duty but mostly due to the difficulties in doing over a post office and then trying to escape on a Zimmer frame . . . they may be old, but theyre not stupid. So that leaves us with about 33 million people, approximately 1 camera for every 5 people, or so youd like to think, remember, Im doing the math here so pucker up. Given that 50% of that 33 million leave the country every year for holidays and business travel a further 45,000 people a day are out of the frame for being naughty, although they could easily be being naughty somewhere sunny, but Ill give then the benefit of the doubt. Which brings figure down to 1 camera for every 2.5 people, but as the law of averages demands that half of those will most likely be asleep the figure is reduced to one camera for every 1.25 people. Current crime statistics suggest that 15% of the population has a criminal record, which roughly equates to about 9.3 million people, so if the figures are to be believed (and youd be insane to believe any of my figures) and 30 per cent of crimes go unsolved, one third of those criminals are effectively innocent and we are pretty much left with a criminal community of roughly 5.6 million villains. Which means that we have, in practical terms, 1 camera for every criminal and the streets are now a safe place, crime has been completely eliminated, and my work here is done. So, if youve ever wondered who governments call upon to bend the numbers to their advantage, the answer will most probably be a graphic designer. We came, we found a turd, we polished it. God bless Crayola.
Posted on: Thu, 24 Apr 2014 00:52:06 +0000
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