From Julius Malema land grab threats to Vavi’s extramarital indiscretion and the Zimbabwe elections, Southern Africa is certainly the place to be for scandalous news this week. Below is Wonkie’s weekly news roundup: Unemployment in South Africa reaches over 25% Minister in The Presidency responsible for Performance Monitoring and Evaluation, Collins Chabane, is reported to be closely monitoring and evaluating the situation. Unofficial reports have quoted him as saying: “Government is well on track with its job targets. I won’t bore you with details, but our tipping point with the unemployment metric is exactly 55.2674%. As soon as we hit that figure, our super-super-duper job creation strategy will kick in, and we will resolve the entire situation within a matter of weeks.” Malema pushes for Zim-style land-grabs In a bold and beautiful move, Economic Freedom Front (EFF) leader Julius Malema stood firm in his policy to implement Zimbabwe-style land grabs in South Africa. The ANC were reported to be pooping in their pants after their strategy team realised that the masses they deliberately left uneducated, might well be stupid enough now to vote for that policy next year. Vavi accused of rape, then not After what was possibly a Zuma-inspired extramarital incident, Cosatu General Secretary Zwelinzima Vavi admitted to having an affair with a married woman who works for Cosatu. She had filed rape charges, he had filed extortion charges, she dropped the rape charges and the ANC Women’s League (ANCWL) got its knickers in a twist about it all. Perhaps if Vavi changed his name to Zuma, they would have made much less of a fuss. Zanu-PF lead in Zimbabwe elections Unofficial reports from the South African government indicate that the 2013 Zimbabwe elections are extremely free and fair, just like they will be in South Africa after the ANC starts losing power. “We are a 100% democracy, so long as everybody votes for the ANC,” said an unofficial spokesperson for the CNA (unfortunately, Wonkie’s unofficial spokesperson for the ANC was busy applying for a tender, in which there is only a tiny conflict of interest). e-Tolls implementation If Zuma is as shrewd a strategist as he is made out to be, Wonkie expects it to be unlikely that the e-tolls will be implemented before the next election. With the price of fuel soaring, the best the ANC could hope for if it does start the tolling is widespread rioting, the worst would be the obvious. The DA, PAC, AWB, Cope and any other political opposition wannabes would change their election posters from 4 years back to read: “A vote for [insert party name], is a vote against Jacob Zuma e-Tolls.” Agang, and EFF will likely implement a similar strategy. Once again, the opposition parties will all save a ton of money and brain-power on credible policy development, but maybe this time they’ll capture the majority regardless.
Posted on: Fri, 02 Aug 2013 09:48:39 +0000
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