God put it on my heart to share my experiences of the past year with people hence why this is on Facebook. Be warned its a long read (even though its the condensed version, believe it or not) This past year has been one of extreme hurt and extreme joy. It brought me to my knees. A year ago today I was arriving in South Africa eating banana bacon pizza for the first time, ready to meet God and have Him change my life through the people I would meet and the relationships I would form. And boy! did I meet God. I heard Him whisper in my ear and put dreams in my heart. I had never felt God in such a real way. I gave my heart away to the people I met. One little girl stole my heart completely and I still don’t know why or how. I came home from the spiritual high of a lifetime to a changed household. My family had changed in those three months just as I had and my grandmother had moved in due to her dementia. I also had left my ability to sleep in Africa. I couldn’t sleep for more than 2 hours at night and because of this I would talk to God a lot in those insomniac nights. At first I would just talk to Him, thinking that I just had to readjust to a new time zone but after a month of sleepless nights I started to cry out to God in frustration. I was tired and couldn’t find rest, I was longing for my past experiences in South Africa and wishing for a clear sign about what I should do with my future. So as I was dealing with this I was also caring for my grandma while my mother and other family members were unable to. I was challenged greatly by this and couldn’t interact with grandma without getting an angry or violet reaction from her. I became afraid in my own home and after one of the worst episodes I ended up leaving home and moving to Crowsnest Lake Bible Camp to help out for a month before I would start their C.O.L.T.S. program. During that month I was unable to sleep but this time for a different reason. I would be held awake by a fear in my heart and would end up just calling out the name of Jesus. It was the most intense spiritual warfare I had ever experienced. Eventually that battle was won and I was able to sleep (to the best of my insomniac abilities). In all these experiences God was bringing me to my knees and yes it hurt severely but it was the best place I could be in relation to God. I thought I was done, God stretched me and grow me for 7 months so I was done right? Wrong. God pulled me and pushed me during COLTS. He showed me how many insecurities I was hiding from myself. He showed me that I don’t love half as much as I should and that people matter more than anything. He showed be that I am weak and it’s okay to show that to people. That rest is Holy and it’s so important that I get some. And those lessons hurt too and stretched me too. I felt like I had been stretched so much and I just needed it to stop. I needed time to process all the events that had happened to my life. But God doesn’t agree. He is still pulling me, pushing me and teaching me hard lessons. I know He knows where my breaking point and I guess I’m not there yet or maybe God wants me to break so He can use all my pieces. I don’t know and I don’t need to know. I just need to abide and trust. God is good all the time and all the time God is good. Never forget this.
Posted on: Mon, 06 Oct 2014 03:30:21 +0000
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