Going the Extra Mile in Apologizing You say: Ive already said Im sorry, what more does she/he want from me? -or- I said Im sorry once —that should be enough! -or- I give up! What more can a human being do to make him/her understand that Im sorry? The what more that can be done, is being sorry enough that your spouse knows beyond a shadow of doubt, that you TRULY get it as far as how much you hurt him or her. Guard against being one who only gives an apology equaling a handfuls worth of sorrow, when you have piled a buckets worth of hurt onto your partner. Give what they really need, not what would satisfy you. You are different from your spouse, so give what is needed to remedy the situation. After all, who is the apology really for —is it for you or for your spouse (the one you hurt)? Are you giving your spouse your type of fix for the situation so you can get it all behind you? Or is your apology one where you go the extra mile (as were told in Matthew 5:41), showing sincere remorse, and your willingness to do whatever it takes to help heal the damage youve afflicted upon your spouse? There IS a difference. If your apology is made to appease you and make YOUR life easier, giving what YOU believe is enough, it probably wont work in reality. It may even introduce more frustration, possible anger, and grief into the whole matter. The emphasis needs to be on the receiver —not the giver. This is the type of situation where it definitely is more blessed to give than to receive. But if you are truly sorry for what youve done, then you need to express it in a way that opens his or her heart, mind, and countenance. It means getting out of YOUR comfort zone and being willing to enter theirs. You may not be comfortable with the questioning that comes when you confess your sorrow, but you need to be willing to allow them to deal with the healing process in a way that works for them. It might not make sense to you, but if it does to them and eventually it brings rest to the issue as they settle it in their mind, then that is part of the price you should be willing to pay to show your sincere sorrow. Even if you never meant to hurt your spouse, dont let that stop you from apologizing, as you should. You have to deal with the reality of the situation. If you run over your spouses foot with an automobile —even if you did it by accident, it still hurt them, and you should make sure they know how sorry you are for hurting them. Your intentions may have been perfect —you may have wanted to only show love and not hurt. But its like what it says in the book, When Sorry Isnt Enough: Making Things Right with Those You Love, written by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas: It is true that perfect love would never hurt the one loved. But none of us is capable of perfect love for one simple reason: We are imperfect. The Bible makes this very clear. We are all sinners. (See: Romans 3:23.) Even those who say they are Christians are still capable of sinning. That is why we must learn to confess our sins to God and to the person weve sinned against. (See: 1 John 1:8-10.) “Good marriages are not dependent upon perfection, but they are dependent upon willingness to acknowledge our wrong and seek forgiveness. And just to warn you: Some spouses are not open in the beginning to fully receive your apology after youve deeply hurt them. It can be like a layer of unhealthy scar tissue that has built up to such an extent that it interferes with the healing process. But by properly working with the scar tissue, the healing can begin. So be patient and do what it takes to help your marital partner know that you are seriously sorry for how you have hurt them. When we handle the gravity of the situation, as we should, it shows maturity. Properly apologizing shows we own up to our actions and truly want the healing to take place in our marriage. Even if they never forgive you, you should still do your part in this process. For those on the receiving end of the apology, ask the Lord to help you to be as gracious as it is possible in receiving it. Sometimes it takes longer to heal, and its fine to give yourself the necessary time to do so, but to the best of your ability and with the discernment the Lord can give you, try to lean into the healing process. Sometimes we can draw something out longer than we should because we hold onto hurt that we should be releasing. Holding unto unforgiveness can poison our own inner being and prolong the pain. In forgiving our spouse, it is important to remember the grace that the Lord extended to us while we were yet sinners and the forgiveness He readily gives us, when we ask for it. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you (Colossians 3:13). Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone (Romans 12:17-18). “If you feel you cant forgive, ask God to penetrate your unforgiveness with His love. When we have to do the impossible, God says that the way it happens is ‘not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit’ (Zechariah 4:6). This means that certain things will not be accomplished by human strength, but only by the power of God. The Holy Spirit will enable us to forgive even the unforgivable.” (Stormie Omartian) And lastly, please dont use anything in this message as a weapon against your spouse. Some husbands and wives will take that which is intended to bring you together to justify their actions in a way that is anything but gracious. That only complicates everything, all the more. Graciously give and graciously receive and ask the Lord to show you how to work with your situation so you are building healthy relationship bridges wherever it is possible. You arent accountable for your spouses motivations and actions but you are for your own.
Posted on: Sun, 05 Oct 2014 19:42:29 +0000
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