Good Afternoon! What is the secret to happiness in marriage? If ones wife is upset with something he did, first, he should admit his mistake and if he isnt sure, he should err on the side of caution and say, Yes, Dear. There cant be an argument if one agrees with his spouse. If that doesnt work, he offers an apology, Im sorry, Dear. Usually, that helps because a person believes that he or she is right and wants that recognition from others, especially his or her spouse. And if his wife is still upset, he should just explain, Im only a man ... hoping that it will bring out the natural compassion and forgiveness for those who see the error of their ways. We are all fallible. By admitting that one is not perfect and makes mistakes, it can ameliorate the anger. In truth, marital happiness starts much earlier with whom you choose as your spouse. Our forefather Avraham sent his servant, Eliezer, a long distance to Haran to choose a wife for his son, Yitzhak, Why? The people of Canaan were idol worshippers and the people of Haran were idol worshippers. What was Avraham seeking by choosing a daughter in law from the people of Haran? Avraham knew that those living in his old country were raised with respect for people and taught to do kindness. Sure, the people may be idol worshippers, but education can correct mistaken ideologies. However, character traits are imprinted at a very early age and they are very hard to change. There is a seemingly strange verse in the Torah regarding love and marriage. The Torah tells us, He (Yitzhak) married Rivka, she became his wife, and he loved her (Gen. 24:67). Isnt the natural order of life that one loves another person ... and then marries her or him? The Torah is giving us a great insight: Real love is developed after making a total commitment to ones spouse. Love is the pleasure one has in focusing on the good in someone else. With total commitment, one will be sure to see those virtues. We all want love and we seek someone who will make us happy. What often passes for love is infatuation and blind passion ... or at best, self-centered love. What we have are two self-centered people looking to make themselves happy. Without that total commitment, then if ones spouse does things that upset you or one thinks there is someone else who can please him or her more -- then there is a breakdown of the relationship. Love has to transcend the self-centeredness to the realization that true and greater happiness comes from doing for ones spouse, rather than using ones spouse as a means for ones own gratification. For that to happen, the commitment must be total. Rabbi Noah Weinberg, of blessed memory, used to liken the commitment to ones spouse to the commitment one has to his own hand. One does not cavalierly chop off his hand because it displeased him. However, there is a time when he will have it amputated -- when it has gangrene and threatens his life. We need to understand that marriage is a means, not a goal. A depressed, aimless, lonely single person will likely end up in marriage as a depressed, aimless, lonely married person. The Torah teaches us that Adam, the first man, was completed by marrying Eve (Chava): a man shall ... cling to his wife and they shall become one flesh (Gen. 2:25). One has to figure out what he values in life, what he wants in life -- and then look for someone who has the right character traits of kindness and truth and who has the same values. According to the Torah, the purpose of a marriage is to create an entity that will grow ones relationship and closeness with the Almighty -- and to raise children through whom they can transmit the legacy of a Torah way of life. Whatever ones goals, he must choose a spouse with good character who has the same values and goals. Then with total commitment there is hope for great happiness!
Posted on: Sun, 16 Nov 2014 23:16:15 +0000
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