Good news. I dont have epilepsy! Bad news. We still dont know what the Hell is wrong with me. I have had a very long, trying day. Considering I have had this massive headache for about a month now, my ears hurt because of the pressure in my head, my left eye has been hurting, my left side of my face is swollen. Lights are like daggers in my eyes, and sounds smash into my head like sludge hammers. The past month has been Hell. We are trying a new med... (Another one that takes awhile to get in the system) and detoxing off the old one. Finally, they are doing a CAT scan. And again a spinal tap was mentioned, and again they dont do it... Not that I want one, trust me I have a panic attack every time they are mentioned or I think about them, but every professional I have talked to about my symptoms all ask if I had one. Plus if you put all my symptoms in WebMD, spinal taps are standard tests. I am going crazy because the pain is just so bad. I do nothing but lay curled in fetal position hoodie over my head and eyes pillow over my head and blanket over me over the pillow making my little cave, crying and drifting in and out of consciousness. And long days like today, where I am out of the house at 5:30 am and up going to doctors, coming home at 6 pm, I want to die. And tomorrow we need to see our case worker, Alvin, tomorrow so we have to be up and out the door hopping in the cab at 6:30 am. Actually all this week I am going be out of the house @ 5:30 am to 6:30 am, I am going to be dead by the weekend. I am going to be completely toast, and may end up in the hospital by the end of this week. I have a very high pain tolerance... One of the perks of having cronic pain disorders... I am ready to tap out right now. Doing this pain killer free, no Tylenol, no Ibprofen, no Alieve, nothing, is extremely hard, but I have no choice really because I dont have anything. My life sucks so much right now with all these insane road blocks, trials, and negativity, but with all these things that are hard to deal with I know that if I keep pushing ahead doing the next right thing, it will pay off in the end. With each of my trials I have gained knowledge and more self confidence. I have a lot of people tell me that through all this crazy bullshit, watching me push on through doing the next right thing, busting my ass, gaining an arsenal of tools to help me succeed, and still taking the time to help others; helps them fight their own battles. Seeing me change from the mental mess I was last year to this strong warrior, who stands her ground and refuses to let anyone tear her down, has given some people the courage to change themselves for the better. In turn when these people have personally told me that they look up to me (some old enough to be my mother) they give me the strength to push on. Even though my pain is intense and my health its bad, things arent so bad. I have a loving man, an amazing mother-in-law, beautiful kids, and mentally and spiritually I am growing stronger, I am learning Serenity, I am growing calmer. I spend a lot of time praying and meditating. Plus I have my soulmate, the one I can talk to without speaking, my wonderful hubby, Jay.
Posted on: Tue, 18 Mar 2014 00:12:30 +0000