Grace Versus Enabling Clients often ask what the difference is between extending grace and enabling bad behavior. Extending grace is simply forgiving someone when they don’t deserve it, just as God does for all of us. In return, the offender does their best not to repeat the offense. Contrarily, enabling occurs when you get between the person’s action/behavior and the consequence of that behavior, so they are never held accountable and hold no responsibility for change. Ultimately, it comes down to the condition of the offender’s heart. Are they truly repentant or do they have a sense of entitlement? For instance, do they feel that they should be allowed to do as they please, without argument? A strong indicator of “enabling” is when you refer to that person’s behavior and say, “That’s just how she is." or "She’ll never change.” If you’ve ever said that about anyone (a child, partner, family member, etc.), you’ve excused their behavior, thus enabling them to continue. When my client asks this question because s/he is in a relationship with a dysfunctional partner, the follow-up question is usually, “How long do I put up with this before I just leave?” There are a couple of factors to consider before deciding to abandon a relationship. First, “Does this person acknowledge that they have a problem?” If they refuse to acknowledge that they have a problem, you’re fighting a losing battle. They expect you to accept their behavior, without complaint. On the other hand, if they take full ownership of their behavior and acknowledge that it’s dysfunctional, then the second factor to consider is, “What are they doing about it?” If they admit they have a problem but refuse to do anything about it, the relationship will never be any better than it is right now. On the other hand, if they’re doing everything they can to change, through some kind of intervention(s), and I mean earnestly (like every week, not just attending a meeting once a month or every other), then it’s probably worth it to stand by them (assuming there’s no physical abuse present). You might even consider getting involved in their therapy, with the counselor’s approval/advisement, to see what you can do - or not do – to help. If you love this person and share a wonderful relationship with them (minus the dysfunctional behavior), imagine how amazing things will be once the process is over! Supporting your partner through rehabilitation could also strengthen the relationship in the long run since you’ll be perceived as committed and reliable, a safe person who can be trusted.
Posted on: Wed, 02 Oct 2013 17:42:03 +0000
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