Growing up, I was raised to understand that crying never solves your problems. So when I felt those tears, I forced myself to try not to let them out because if I did, Id get made fun of. I got so good that I didnt cry in front of anyone. The only time anyone in my family ever saw me cry, was at 2 funerals and the day my mom walked out on us. A few years ago I noticed I was isolating myself from my friends and family so I forced myself to go out and interact with people. For a while it was working out and I was able to put on those forced laughs and fake smiles and act how I felt was appropriate... But the thing was, I wasnt acting like I would have; I just mimicked the actions and reactions of everyone around me. And now, I cant even find the energy to force myself to be around people any more, I cant find the energy to force those smiles and those laughs, and I just want to cry every single day; and I do. Every morning when I wake up I cant look in the mirror because I feel so disgusted with myself and knowing that makes me cry; every night when I take a shower, I turn my music on full blast and cry my eyes out. I thought I was doing fine until a week ago a friend pointed out how different I was becoming when we bumped into each other in the kitchen. And now I realize Im on a fast spiral down and heading for a horrible crash landing and I dont know how to take control of it or even if I want to... In my family, any mental medical problem, any problem medical or physical for that matter, was just chalked up to being weak minded or physically weak and unfit... So I dont know what to call whatever Im in... Dont know to even give it a name because if I do.... Doesnt that make it stronger? To make a problem weak... It must be ignored...shouldnt it? *rolling my eyes* Im so confused sometimes I just wish...I just wish I wasnt so weak right now.
Posted on: Thu, 14 Aug 2014 00:53:13 +0000
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