HI everyone: Today is a good day for my boyfriend who has cancer. I am down in the dumps. Where is that silly rabbit so I can slap him and get some more tricks from his hat. You know smile . I know that I do not laugh , cut up and even joke like many know me when to be like the joker. hey I am happy go lucky, I love to laugh and cut up Cancer steals energy and is a kill joy you know the ultimate wedding crasher and party pooper of all time. So I am finding it hard to find reasons to laugh when I am watching someone I love fighting the worst of cancer only throat cancer stage four and terminal. I know oddly as strange as it sounds . Well!!! I still have Hope. This week and last week and next will be more appointments. He tells me he will be alive in the Kingdom of Heaven well as he is ok with dying I am not ok with his dying anymore then I was with moms or another boyfriend who died when I was much younger. But Cancer hurts cancer is not fun and has taken the laughter from me. I was dating my boyfriend and he had this persistent cough. Sinus infection he thought. I felt it was more and boy was it more. the C word Cancer. All the bad words cruel cold start with Cs cancer is just another bad word. I finally got him to get help. I insisted he see a doctor and made all arrangements to get him help. I worked diligently was on the phone hours making calls. Cancer is like a time bomb that keeps on ticking never tires and needs no sleep . That bomb is ready to explode you are only buying time and life is a game of numbers. When we found it was advanced cancer I was there for MRIs Pet Scans, Mainly was I there to hold his hand and say Everything will be just fine. Trying to smile while being scared shitless, My grandmother died of cancer . I am still scared and when I go home here in Dallas and come back to see him I will run upstairs, with plenty of tears in my eyes . Just rushing to make sure he is breathing and alive. I guess finding my mother dead and without warning has me scared and scarred . She was sixty two the same age as my boyfriend who has terminal cancer. Numbers are part of life and we are all just name and numbers. It was good when his sister and brother in law were here this past week. I found myself for the first time since his diagnosis being able to take some breaks from all of this,. He is having a good day and I hope he has many he is staying steady in his weight. We are going to see about a trial at the Mary Crowley center. Which I am thankful for all the amazing nurses and doctors thus far.
Posted on: Sat, 28 Jun 2014 01:37:07 +0000
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