HOW TO BECOME A BILLIONAIRE OVERNIGHT IN NIGERIA. Rob a bank This strategy has gone through some transition. Bank-robbers used to be men of the underworld who held banks hostage at gunpoint andthen made off with the cash. However, it was soon recognised that this approach has distinct disadvantages. You might get arrested and jailed. Even worse, you might get shot. It also became apparent that banks carry limited amounts of cash. Therefore, a successful bank robbery of this violent kind might only land you perhaps 50 million naira tops, which is not even enough to buy or build a house in Banana Island.There is a better way to rob a bank with far limited risk. Simply establish a bank. When you establish a bank, you can rob the bank every day without a gun. When people deposit money in your bank, they don’t know that they are handing over their life-savings to a thief. You then rob the bank you establish in a number of imaginative ways. For example, you can lend money to your bank and then charge it a very high interest-rate. Better still, you can borrow billions from your bankand simply forget to pay it back. Or, you can use the money deposited in your bank to buy houses and then rent them out as branches to your bank at exorbitant prices. This approach is guaranteed to make you a few billion naira until the EFCC policemen come calling. When they do, you canquickly fall sick, spend a few months in Deluxe Hospital Hoteland then relocate to your village to enjoy your wealth, never to be heard of again. Join the PDP. This one is a sure banker. Asa member of the greatest party in the history of Africa, you will be given a credit-cardto spend Nigeria’s oil wealth. If you are not getting enough attention in the party, make a lot of noise. Abuse Tinubu on the pages of the newspapers and call Buhari an idiot. Insist that Goodluck Jonathan should not only run for re-election unopposed in 2015, there should be a constitutional amendment to make him a life-president. This is a tell-tale sign that youare hungry; and the powers-that-be will soon invite you to “come and chop.” As a distinguished member of this great party, the opportunities open for you to set yourself up for life are considerable. For example, you can start collecting billionsfor petroleum subsidy and simply not import any petrol whatsoever. You can get the government to change all car license-plates nationwide; and then become the sole supplier of the new license-plates. You can ask the president to make you the sole importer and distributor of diesel for the entire country. Of course, this might also entail that you become the chairman of his re-election campaign, to which you duly make a handsome contribution. Alternatively, you can ask to be chairman of the Nigerian Ports Authority. Nobody will bat an eyelid when, within a matter of months, you have a fleet of cars, have two or three houses in Asokoro, and own four hotels in Dubai. You may even kick out your wife and marry a fourteen-year-old “Suzie” befitting your new status. You have arrived as one of Nigeria’s celebrated rich men. But keep your eyes on the ball. Don’t get distracted or carried away.The enemies of Mr. President must always remain your enemies. Start a mega-church This one is pure genius. Peradventure you lose your job or fall on hard times. Don’tgo into depression. Just start a church. Make it a purpose-built church. Think of something that men need. Tell them you have the anointing toprovide it. Tell them whoever wants to be a billionaire shouldcome to your church. Start a few of your messages with “Thus says the Lord.” Then teach your congregation the everlasting principles of sowing and reaping. Make sure they understand that if they really want God to bless them financially, they first have to give you as muchmoney as possible. Create a special prayer group for millionaires and billionaires. That way, if they get any new government contract they will attribute it to the efficacy of your prayers and credit something big into your bank account. Tell everybody to give you their “first-fruits.” That is a code word for their entire January salaries. Then come up with imaginative offerings to collect, such as “prophet’s offering,” (you, of course, being the prophet); “Father, Son and Holy Ghost offerings;” “Jesus will do it offering.” Very soon, you will be flying your own private jet to preachyour gospel in Ilesha; you will be wearing white Armani suits and jerry-curling your hair; you will be collecting gate-feesfor new years’ eve services; billionaire thieves and robberswill be queuing up to see your private-secretary on the Lagos-Ibadan expressway. In short, you will be living large. For good measure, you will also be slapping demons out ofpoor bewitched damsels with impunity
Posted on: Tue, 03 Sep 2013 08:07:18 +0000
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