HOW TO SIMULATE THE LIFE OF A SAILOR ~ Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months. ~ Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls. ~ Repaint your entire house every month. ~ Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them. ~ Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week. ~ Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack." ~ Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle loudly, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up." ~ Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. ~ Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one. ~ Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs. ~ Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time. ~ Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget-priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking. ~ Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears
Posted on: Thu, 03 Oct 2013 10:43:57 +0000