Harriet Luke February 1st 2013 Paul Knox Word Count: 1066 Sue Browne had only gone upstairs to ask her husband Jeremy Frith to unscrew a jar of prunes. The next thing she remembers is shaking Frith and telling him “this isn’t a funny joke.” Her husband of ten years had been dead in their bed for a few hours. After calling 911, emergency response told her to perform CPR. “I did it,” Browne recalls “but I didn’t want to, I knew he was dead and it felt invasive.” Browne doesn’t remember many other details of December 8th 2009, other than how snowy it was and how impatient she had been with Frith that morning. Two days later friends drove his body home from the morgue. Frith laid on the porch in the snow for a day before Browne and the community held a service, placed him in a coffin composed of his own wood workings and buried him in their backyard. “I had a gut reaction,” Browne said, “ I knew I wanted to bury him there, it’s what he would have wanted.” But, it was Cassandra Yonder, Browne’s neighbour that made it all happen. Yonder is one of a handful of people in Canada who is spearheading the home funeral guide profession. They are also known as death-midwives. Similar to a midwife who guides a woman through all stages of pregnancy, death midwives help prepare the elderly or ill for death by discussing their fears of dying, and actively involving the client and their family in planning a home funeral. Yonder and her peers want to educate and inform the public that there are alternatives to the conventional funeral home. One that puts the dying and their families in charge and gives them an opportunity to think outside the box. Certified as a home funeral guide just over a year ago, she is currently assisting her second client, 68-year-old neighbour Alistair Watt. During her certification program at Final Passages in California, Yonder learned what many might find squeamish. How to safely move a dead body, wash it, and deal with the urine and bowel movements that are a natural and inevitable part of death. With a background in grief and bereavement counseling, she suggests that having family members actively participate in the preparation of a dead loved ones body, helps to contextualize it and deal with it more successfully. Unfortunately Browne wasn’t able to experience this aspect of the home funeral. Legally Frith had to be removed for an autopsy as he died unexpectedly. It turned out that he had high cholesterol and was suffering from a cardiac condition that doctors had missed. “It felt weird while he was away,” says Browne “he came back in a plastic body bag, I hate plastic but they told us we had to keep him in it…I still think about digging up his body and taking him out.” However, once he returned Yonder and Browne discovered that there were in fact few regulations or hurdles in place preventing them from keeping Frith at home and burying him on their land. “I can still go out and talk to him,” comments Browne, “we planted an oak tree on top of him, and in the spring I grow tomatoes on him as well.” Home funerals are not necessarily for every family, and Yonder says she always ensures that a family is prepared to do the work of prepping the body themselves. She is just there to guide them. Home funeral guides require a fraction of families’ finances. When a funeral can cost anywhere from $1500- $10,000 or more, this offers a more cost effective option. This has caused conflict with the monopoly that funeral directors have on the death industry. “There’s resistance to it…people are threatened, funeral homes and directors who feel like they went to school got a license, took time and paid money should own this field,” comments Jerrigrace Lyons, founder of Final Passages. However there is a middle ground and Lyons says she will often refer families to more open-minded funeral homes, who realize a home funeral isn’t right for them. Anthony Natolino, Professor of Funeral Education Service at Humber College, has witnessed the transition of the traditional stuffy funeral home into a more contemporary institution, but admits they have to be more accommodating if they want to continue to make money. “They are a business after all,” says Natolino. Regardless, Yonder’s client, Alistair Watt does not want any involvement with them. Last year Watt went to Italy and Scotland with his two sons, and this year he plans to visit a friend in Arizona, see the Grand Canyon and shoot a 357 revolver. He will do all of this with stage four-colon cancer. These trips are part of a bucket list, that Yonder asked Watt to write after his diagnosis in 2010. Watt says that when he came back from Italy his mental and physical health were significantly better. Since then he has been slashing trips off one by one and continues to meet with Yonder every couple of weeks. She guides him through the necessary paperwork to ensure that his will is in order and help him decide if he wants to be buried on his land or cremated. “I thought about just digging a hole in the back and having them put me in there, but now I’m leaning towards ashes,” Watt chuckles, “it’s easier.” Working with a home funeral guide has empowered Watt to take the final moments of his life into his own hands. He describes their relationship as comfortable and respectful, referring to Yonder as a mindful person, “this can get hard and she knows that” he says. Watt’s family, community and medical team are supportive of his post-death wishes. Watt’s oncologist once said to him “don’t lie down with this, the people who lie down, don’t get up.” Words of advice he now lives by as he continues to plan his trips and death simultaneously. It could be a month or years before Watt dies, but with guidance from Yonder, she will help him in every moment leading up to his death, and be present for his grieving sons.
Posted on: Wed, 18 Sep 2013 11:57:38 +0000
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