Hate hurts. I just spoke with someone I know who has recently separated and is going through a divorce. As the weeks have rolled by I have noticed there has been a steady increase in the posturing and today it became clear to me that a big part of what is happening is that the hate and hurt my friend experiences is making things worse for both sides. The hurt this person is experiencing literally creeps in and taints their entire thinking and decision making processes. It starts with “But they did this and this and that…now I am forced to blah, blah and blah”. This then progresses to “I do all the ______ and _____. All the ______ is paid for by me”. Next comes the “They can do whatever they want but I will never allow _______ or ________ to happen.” Then finally I hear “They are such a loser __________. “ At the end of all this I am left wondering what the other person must be feeling so I asked my friend to tell me a little about what their ex wants? In response I get “Well, I am not sure…I know they are asking for _____. They probably just want to ______ or _____”. What I see is that they are not 100% sure of what their ex wants…they have written off this ex spouse as lost and have shut out all objectivity. After trying to answer my questions this friend then hands me their cell phone and lets me see their texts and messages. What I notice right away is that this ex had made reasonable requests. In fact, this friend had actually complained that their ex was not doing certain things and in the texts this ex is asking to for certain things which would satisfy the complaints my friend was making. So my thoughts immediately came to this conclusion: why were they not seeing the same things I was? It is simple…they didn’t want to. It was easier to feel the hate, lay the blame and in the process not see things clearly. It doesn’t matter who is actually right or wrong in this matter…personally I saw areas of fault on both side…but the fact remains that the hurt feelings and the hate was costing this family real money, real pain and moving them further apart regardless. Hate hurts…mostly ourselves.
Posted on: Thu, 30 May 2013 21:12:30 +0000
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