Have you been missing life aboard ship lately?: NEW, REVISED VERSION Try some of these recommended changes around the house. 1. Renovate your bathroom. Move the showerhead to chest level, and set the water pressure to alternate between barely dripping and needlegun intensity. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down. 2. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them. 3. Raise your bed to within six inches of your ceiling so you can’t turn over without getting out and then getting back in., OR, 4. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a flimsy curtain. Have your spouse throw the curtains open about three hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say, “Sorry, wrong rack.” Then try to fall back asleep while your dog snores beside you. 5. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you. If there are any packages, have your neighbor kick them around a few times to ensure anything valuable inside is broken. 6. Watch no television except for movies played in the middle of the night. Repeat the same movie every night for a week. 7. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle stations. 8. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. Make sure it’s your least favorite flavor of jelly. Call this “Midrats.” 9. Set your alarm clock to go off randomly during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks, then run into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose, then yell, "Number one hose manned and ready!!!" 10. Build a fire in a trashcan in your garage. Loudly announce to your family, preferably while your spouse is in the shower, “This is a drill, this is a drill!!! Fire fire fire!!! Class alpha fire in the DC Locker.” 11. During a thunderstorm, Find the biggest horse you can, tie a two-inch thick mattress to its back, and strap yourself to it. Turn the horse loose in a barn filled with snakes for six hours and try to sleep. Then get up and go to work. 12. Get your neighbor’s teenage son to run a jackhammer right above your bedroom at uneven intervals for approximately three hours. 13. Make coffee using 18 scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot. Let the pot simmer for five hours before drinking it. 14. Add ½ cup of diesel fuel to the laundry. 15. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters. 16. Every couple of weeks, put on your dress blues and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the sleaziest bar and get drunk until you can barely stand. Then walk all the way home, losing half of your stuff along the way. 17. Hire someone to hammer on a 55-gallon drum at random hours of the day and night to simulate paint chipping. 18. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears. 19. At least once a day, hit yourself in the head with a hammer and both shins. This is to simulate slamming into steel bulkheads. 20. Once a week, put on your old Brazo Dress uniform, mow the lawn and then change the oil in the car. 21. Install a 700 p.s.i. Vaccuum line to the toilet.
Posted on: Fri, 14 Jun 2013 14:44:45 +0000
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