Have you got a large number of citizens demanding to cede from your country and expressing their wish for self-determination? Worried that they might get their way? Dont worry and follow these simple steps to crush their rebellious and insubordinate ways. Step 1: Find an ex-leader of your country, preferably one from the troublesome region that foolishly believes theyd be better without you. Have him begin a charm offensive, and proliferate on how everything will be much better together because theyll get some new shiny powers for their kiddy-on parliament. Dont worry that by doing so this close to the date of the referendum youll be breaking the terms of the agreement made to hold the vote, because truth be told, you arent actually offering anything at all. Also dont worry that said ex-leader was chancellor and then prime minister, and during this time didnt offer these extra powers, but instead set about embarking on illegal wars and destroying the economy. These treacherous rogues wont remember that. Also dont worry that said ex-leader has the lowest public approval ranking of post WWII prime ministers, after all, at least hes not a Tory eh! Step 2: If possible, convince a lady member, the higher ranking the better, of your countrys royal family, to announce a pregnancy. Preferably mention that the unborn lizard child was conceived in the region that wants to break away. After all, all citizens love being reminded that they pay for this family to be kept in luxury, and who doesnt enjoy a good old bit of subjugation? Step 3: People who want self-determination are always die hard nationalists. Its an ugly business being a nationalist, but luckily they have their weaknesses. For example, they love their flags. To quell any notion of breaking away, simply fly the flag of the region in question over the home of your current leader. Such a symbol quite rightly demonstrates that you really do love them, a bit like cooking their favourite meal after a big fight. Dont worry if you cock up the actual hoisting of the flag, nationalists wont notice as at first sight of their beloved flag, theyll have hands clenched to hearts belting out their silly little national anthem. Step 4: If things are really heating up and steps 1-3, along with a healthy media and press bias in your favour, havent done the trick yet, then its time for the big guns. With 8 days to go, which of course is plenty of time before the most important decision this region will ever make, and in no way begets the fact this debate has been happening for the last two years, send the leaders of your main political parties up to the ungrateful blighters to set them straight. Again, dont be put off that, all three men have the lowest trust ratings amongst that regions people, or that all three men represent the very system that the region wish to escape, or even that all three men cant even agree between them what the best way to crush the spirit, I mean enhance the lives of, the people living there is. After all people in these outer regions of your country are often just happy to see their overlords in the flesh. By seeing how much better your political party leaders are than theirs, any notion of independence should routinely be nipped in the bud. By following these simple steps, you and your financial backers can rest easy, knowing that your country shall remain intact, and that further unrest will be a thing of the past.
Posted on: Tue, 09 Sep 2014 22:23:16 +0000