Healing takes time... So it has taken me a few days to collect my thoughts about my journey over the last few months. Although to me it feels like it should be August 7, the rest is a total blur. Then while filling out paperwork for Miles yesterday and I ask the date... Holy cow I have missed so much time. Its pretty crazy, despite the fact that you as a person can be going through a catastrophic nightmare in your personal life, the world around you just keeps on moving. Thank God it is time for treatment to be complete. Bell ringing day... What a ridiculous amount of tears. Different tears though, for once I had happy tears. The last week of treatment was a little different. So usually I had radiation to two of the three different parts on my brain that were being treated and they rotate which ones were being treated daily. For the last week however I had all three treated daily. The actual amount of time I spend receiving radiation is just a few minutes in each field. (I always told myself its just one song) Its getting me in the exact position down to the millimeter that I was in the day they made my mask and completed mapping that takes forever. X-ray after X-ray and then the therapist adjust the table I am clipped down to accordingly. My job was just to lay still. I mean I blinked, but thats just about all you get. By the end I know I was laying more still, because I figured out the more still you are the less time it takes. A valid lesson I wish I would have figured out slightly earlier. Anyways adding the third field was a bit intimidating. The therapist knew I hated that mask and I noticed how fast they were moving that week (something I so appreciate). Its funny how much my senses heightened while laying there. I could tell who was in the room by their foot steps walking around. I knew every sound the X-ray and proton machine made and how far through my treatment I was just by the sounds. Now remember the only thing I could see was the ceiling and that was through a speckled mask over my eyes, so I guess I just relied on my ears for my information. I use to count songs a lot too. I always figured each song was about 3 minutes. Point being the last week was different which threw my psychy for a loop. All the sounds were different! So on the last day, my x-Rays were finished, the therapist leave the room to turn on the radiation beam. There is a camera on you and they can talk to you if need be, but there usually isnt a reason. So its just me and my one song I know I need to get through before I get to guess foot steps. But I hear Matt my therapist come over the speaker and clear as day says Alright Tiff, last field. Ever. There I am laying in this ridiculously uncomfortable mask, bolted to a board with a red laser beam pointed at my head and I start to cry. No not cry ball, but for the first time in a long long time they were happy tears. I tried to stay so super still but the tears just fell. The feeling was such a relief and one I hadnt had in so very long. Thank you Matt, no sarcasm, thank you for getting me through so many treatments. Walk out into the waiting room and meet my husband and son (with my mask AKA my new trophy in a belongings bag labeled Kentosh) and there I go again, like a faucet. People in the waiting room just come up and hug me. Some I know, but mostly Strangers that I know are going through the same thing I am and just as badly want it to be their last day as mine. There was one amazing lady, D, who was battling cancer for her second time. She had a daughter that was my age that use to drive her to her appointments. D was always so proud of her daughter and would tell me about her as we were waiting in our hospital gowns. Anyways D finished treatment the same day I did. Her daughter came up to me balling as well just telling me how proud her Mom was of me. So ironic, right? It was a day of Happy tears for their family too. Miles had been wanting to ring that bell since the first day he heard it. Maybe every other day you would hear someone ring the bell. The waiting room all claps, when the kiddos being treated ring the bell the whole place goes crazy. My turn. Its time to ring that bell and Miles and I FINALLY get our turn! Music to my ears. Happy tears, so many happy tears. I dont want to jinxed it and say its gone and Im totally done with treatment forever, but for now, Im done. Cancer is funny (funny in a horrible kind of way) that it likes to sneak back up on you. In which case I will be there like my friend D battling again. For now Im done. Its hard for me to believe almost. Im done. So now what? Well I will tell you. This week I did normal. I picked my son up from school for the first time in months. We went to the library and even got a cookies and cream ice cream with M&Ms. I just love him.my husband and I enjoyed a date. I ordered my favorite Red Velvet pancakes from Founding Farmers and then we went to shop for a few Christmas presents. Me? I put earrings on for the first time since August. I think some time after I had to take them off for my 5th MRI and surgery followed by radiation, it just seemed like a hassle so I stopped wearing them. I had my son go tell Dad dinner is ready. I cooked dinner for my family. I sure did not only miss cooking, but having the motivation to get up and cook. I forgot almost how much I liked my old life, it was pretty perfect. As the skin on my head still throbs and the hair still falls out its hard to put this behind me or even get to the point that Cancer doesnt consume my every thought, but Im trying. I am more than ready for this chapter to close, but its difficult to put the book down. It hasnt been all horrible, I mean dont get me wrong I would not like to do it again, but there are speckles of good I can make sense of. The biggest thing is you realize how loved you truly are. Thank you to each of you for the amazing outpouring of love and support to my self and family. Also this journey has strengthened so many of my relationships. Family is closer. Friends are closer and I have so many inspirational cards with personal messages of love and hope for me that one cant help but think there has to be something more for me to do here. So while I figure whatever that is out, please know I thank you all.
Posted on: Wed, 26 Nov 2014 23:24:41 +0000
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