“Hearing Through Silence” I woke up this morning next to my husband and little boy. I ran my finger against my sons cheek and watched as his big blue eyes opened to this new day. My plan for the morning would be church, we wanted to get there early and sit up close as our friend Chuck would be speaking. After, we would stop for coffee and head home to let Zane play outside on Collin’s power wheel tractor. This would be the warmest day in 4 very long months. That is not how the morning went. Moments after admiring my sleeping child I sat up, read something upsetting and laid back down in bed. I covered my head up tight with the blanket and began to cry. Bitterness and anger fled through my veins, I clenched my teeth and squeezed my fists tight around that blanket. There I laid as my husband and son got dressed and headed to church without me. I couldn’t go, I was hurting and I wanted to be alone. No amount of coaxing from my husband would be bringing me out of that cocoon. So there I was, alone. Feeling sorry for myself. Telling myself how I have every right to be upset. As my sobs turned into a quiet hum I became aware of the silence that now surrounded me. That terrible silence I had hated for so long, the silence that comes from the absence of our 4 year olds voice. And now, there I was MAKING that silence because of my attitude, because I CHOSE to let emotions control me and ALLOWED myself to lay in bed throwing a singles only pity party. I had now created the environment I hated the most. Irritated with myself I began to pray. “Father God, forgive me for being an idiot. Thank you for giving me the silence I hate so I could hear your voice.” I have come to know its His way of saying to me, “Get up Rachel.” Get up! And get on with this day. Wipe away the tears of resentment and bitterness and find the good that I have set out for you today. I chose to get dressed. I choose to go outside. I choose to watch as my son drives in his big brothers tractor, allowing the silence I created early this morning, to be replaced with his laughter. I choose to be there and hear it. God give me the grace I need to go through this day, in victory.
Posted on: Sun, 30 Mar 2014 16:55:12 +0000
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