Hello and welcome to a special LiveAid 30 report from BFN. STARS UNITE Pop stars representing fields across their industry including the unknown, the untalented, the unhopeful and the untuneful have been joined by a host of forgotten faces from past shows such as X-Factor, Pop Idols, Britain’s got Talent, Pop stars the Rivals and Fame Accademy, today descended on London today to re-record the classic Band Aid song “Do they Know it’s Christmas?” SIR BOB Millionaire pop star and star of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, Bob Gandolf, who last had a hit that anyone can remember back in 1979, is once again the driving force behind the project. Speaking out from Audrey Robert’s hair salon where he was undergoing some last minute hair tweaking by professional salonist Audrey he said “it’s a f##king outcry” he said “I’ve spent the last two f@@king weeks phoning f##king every c*nt and tw@t I f$$king know telling them that if they don’t f##king take part I’ll tell every f&&ker from the press that I know that they’re selfish tw@ts and c%nts” pausing to scratch his head he went on to say “##@~! *@@## off” NEW WRAP-AROUND SPECTACLES The Irish tax evading millionaire and front man of U2, Bono, was one of the first stars to agree. “I always dread the moment that I get a call from a member of a former Irish punk band and try not to answer them. They come every ten years or so. Bob is very persistent though, and if I don’t answer, he will come round to one of my many homes in one of the many tax havens around the world to find me. I always hide and pretend not to be in, but sooner or later Bob sees the nets twitching and the game’s up.” I’ve only agreed to take part if I’m allowed to wear a pair of wrap around orange tinted spectacles to hide my lines and Bob has kindly said I can.” UGLY SCENES Meanwhile there were ugly scenes when Bananarama turned up and were told to go home. “To be brutally frank we are very upset” said perma-backcombed leader singer Siobhan “we’ve appeared on every charity single ever made. Band Aid 1, Band Aid 2, Ferry Aid, Fart Aid, Flange Aid – you name it, we’ve moved our mouths on the video to it. But this is the first one where we’ve been told to go home” The other two members Keren and gay drag artist Connie Lingus were lead away in floods of tears. GLOBAL PANDEMIC Graham Norton, the man who owns the anti-virus company Norton also spoke out. “Currently there is no known protection against the Ebola virus. It can be transferred quite easily during everyday contact on the internet. A sneeze whilst updating a Facebook status, a cough whilst responding to an email or even a tear whilst watching the latest John Lewis Christmas add on Youtube is all it takes. Just like all the other global pandemics including SARS and bird flu this one is set to take off small time” pausing to speak to a guest who’d just flown in from the US he went on to say “that’s why you should always ensure that you have the very latest Norton anti virus software installed. We accept all major credit cards and will continue to bill you even though you’ve cancelled your account with us” AMERICA to re-record USA for Africa. The 2014 version which has been renamed “We own the World” will be headed by representatives from Exxon Mobil, Microsoft, Coca Cola, Apple, US forces and representatives of the Republican party on US foreign policy. LOCAL NEWS Brave pensioner sets up camp outside record shop “I want to be one of the first people to get my hands on the new Band Aid gramophone record” said 85 year old Annie Rection To be brutally frank, the only thing that keeps me alive is looking forward to the decennial re-release of the song. I’m just hoping that it will be available on the 78 rpm format.” And that was the news from Brutally Frank on the day that Band Aid 30 was recorded. My name is Timothy Waspyqueen. Good bye.
Posted on: Sat, 15 Nov 2014 13:43:48 +0000
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