Helpful things to say and things to avoid saying to a griever: People seem to always appreciate the people who came and spoke very little and instead just listened and let them be and feel exactly as they were. Often a hug or touch on the hand and a listening ear, can be the greatest gift of all. Writing my latest Grief Speaks Newsletter and am writing an article about things to say and things to avoid saying to a griever. Obviously what one person feels comforted by another feels irritated by. These are things I have heard from grievers over the years. Please share things that have brought you comfort and what has not. Things that many grievers have not enjoyed hearing: (Please avoid cliches and euphemisms) • Time heals all wounds (not true at all, time may change it but it is never all healed, just ask someone who has had a loss 30 years ago if it is all healed). • Try to find the good in this. • God took her because she was so good. • You need to be strong and take care of the family. • Don’t cry. Your loved one wouldn’t want you to be sad. • I know how you feel (but you really don’t) • They are in a better place. (Unless they say that first. I know some bereaved moms who say their childs better place is with them. • Everything will be okay (will it?). We will all come over a lot and visit with you. (Usually not true) • You’re still young, you have your whole life ahead of you. (That thought is overwhelming) • It is time for you to move on and get over this loss. We don’t get over them, we learn to live a new normal, and to integrate the loss into our lives. Things that may be helpful to say to a griever: • I am so sorry about your loss of your _____. (acknowledge the loss out loud) • I am here to listen if you want to talk. (Only if this is true). • What is the hardest part for you right now? • Do you want to talk about what happened? • May I just sit here beside you as you cry? • How are you doing with all of this? • I don’t know why it happened. It is not fair. (validate their emotions) • Thank you for letting me know how you feel. (You appreciate their courage). • I can’t imagine what this is like for you. (No, you really can’t). • Share a memory or a story about the person who died. Be sure to say the name of the deceased to the griever. Most grievers enjoy hearing stories about their loved ones as well as their loved one’s name. Here is a great quote from Bansky, I mean, they say you die twice. One time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time.”
Posted on: Fri, 07 Feb 2014 15:14:37 +0000
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