Here is the silly stuff Kharma and Rio said in 2014. I tacked on 2013, too, just for fun. Jan 21 Rio: My stomach hurts. Me: Hurts how? Like youre going to throw up? Rio: Nah.. Sort of like there is a raccoon with opposable thumbs throwing rocks at the inside of my tummy. Feb 12 Kharma: Ive been waiting all night for snow and breakfast. And I have not had either one. Me: What do you want for breakfast? Kharma: Snow. March 21 Me: You are in so much trouble. Rio: What will happen to me? Me: I still have to decide. Rio: Hey, I know a good punishment. You can tell me that I cant eat sweets for a whole year! Me: You dont even really like sweets. Rio: Yeah, thats kinda why I thought it would be a good punishment for me. April 11 Rio, shaking me at 4 a.m: Mommy, I have a question. Me: What? Rio: Why do countries have wars? Cant they just... Work it out? April 14 Kharma: (throwing a giant fit because she wants chocolate for breakfast) Youre mean!!! Me: Its so rude to yell things like that at your dad. You know, he does everything for you. Rio: (looks up from his breakfast plate and lifts an eyebrow) Everything, apparently, except giving her a Hershey bar for breakfast. April 15 Me: (Going through backpacks) Uh oh, Rio. Looks like youve got detention. Rio: What?! Steffan: Just take your punishment and dont talk to the other prisoners. Rio: *sigh* Yeah, Ill sharpen a spoon on the concrete floor and plan my escape. April 25 Me: You cant have the raspberries and the cheesecake. Pick one. Kharma: I need to weigh my decisions. *runs over to the produce scales and weighs each item* They weigh the same! Me: Then how will you decide? Kharma: I dont KNOW. May 13 Kharma: Rio cut his thumb cleaning Dados knife! Rio: Its ok!! Its not deep! Well...I had to clean it, because I dropped my knife into the wall. Me: What?? Rio: Yeah, and Dados knife got dirty from where I had to cut a hole into the wall to get it out. Me: This story gets worse and worse. Rio: Yeah... Believe me, I know. May 23 Rio: I cant read those words. Me: Well, you will by the end of the summer. Steffan: Yeah, because we have a great learning plan. We will hook you up to a battery and zap you every time you get a word wrong. Youll learn in no time! Rio: *giggling* Me: Kharma looks horrified. Steffan: Rio, explain to your sister that we are just joking around. Rio: Kharma, dont worry. They arent really going to hook me to a battery. (Whispering) But they might do it to you... June 2 Me: So thats how insurance works. Understand what Im saying? Steffan: Its basically a big scam. Me: Yeah, but you have to have it. On cars and on people. Rio: On people? Like if the person dies, they... what? Get you a new one?? June 10 Rios report on scout camp: “I did not so good at archery, but better at BB guns and not AT ALL good at craft time...because I ate the bird feeder we were supposed to make... What? It was made out of Cheerios and I was hungry.” June 12 Me: Whats the most important thing you learned in science camp this week? Kharma: That red and green make yellow. .... I felt much better about this after I realized that she was talking about light and not paint. June 18 I overhear Rio lecturing the cat:” You should never go near the street. The street is like... is like HELL for cats. The road is the devil and the cars are dark angels that are out to get the cats. Understand?” June 24 Im having a treatment in Rios spa. He says, This is to smooth down your eyebrows so that they dont go everywhere like Papaws. Hes like the BEAST of eyebrows. And Im going to tickle your feet with this brush, to make you laugh and feel better. Ok, now tea on your legs. This will make you not wrinkle...probably. Next, he proceeds to tell me about his career path. He is going to open a chiropractic care/ spa/ gun shop. Before buying a gun from him, the person is required to relax in the spa and isnt able to purchase the gun until they have relaxed and taken a safety class. If they are unable to relax, they have to keep returning for treatment until he determines that they can manage their stress. July 8 Rio: Kharma, you never put down the cat. He might need food or water, but when you hold him all the time, he just goes to sleep because thats what he does. He might die of hungration because of you! July 14 Kharma: Say youre sorry! Apologize to me. Say you are sorry!! Say it, or else!! Rio: Sorry. Kharma: You are NOT sorry! Rio: *sigh* Well. Isnt that just a big lump of chicken poop. August 5 Me: What is going on? Why do I smell something burning?? Rio: Oh...well. Sorry. I just have really bad poots sometimes. Thats all it is. Me: Youre lying to me. Rio: Yes. Yes, I am. August 17 Kharma, staring at a ringing phone on the wall of a restaurant: They have... really weird phones here... This kid has rarely seen a land line phone. September 15 Rio, chewing on the end of his pencil while doing his school work: Oh. My. Gosh. Becky, look at this number. It is HUGE. It looks like one of those math guys problems. Who understands those math guys, anyway? October 5 At the Birmingham zoo, Rio sees some Jack-o-lanterns and suddenly goes on a rant. Why? Why would someone do this? They cut up these PERFECTLY GOOD pumpkins and let them sit around to rot! Do you know how much yummy pumpkin pot pie they could have cooked from those?? November 2 Rio: Do you have any melatonin? Me: Maybe..Why...? Rio: I need it for the tranquilizer darts for the bamboo blow gun Im making. December 23 Me: Kharma, what are you doing? Kharma: Drawing my favorite painting out of dots. Its Saturday in the Park by Seuratté Latté. Ha! she was close. 2013 January 1 Me: You have GOT to take a bath. You are nasty. Rio: Nah, see, when I sleep, I sweat. Thats wet and it washes me off. I dont need baths. January 28 Me: How was school? Kharma: Well... We did science. Rio: Oh, cool! Did you make something in the lab? Kharma: Nah, science at school isnt like that. We just look at a book. Rio: Oh. Well they told us at school today that we can sign up for activities in the gym. Im going to sign up for dodge ball and chocolate. January 27 Me: (reading) How does a dinosaur eat all his food? Does he spit out his broccoli partially chewed? Rio: Well, thats a carnivore and they are trying to give him broccoli! Of COURSE he is spitting it out! Me: Does a dinosaur glare? Rio: Well, look at that plate. Hes glaring at it because it has two meats and only one little spot of vegetables and hes a herbivore. ... Steffan always complains that I have no suspension of disbelief. Now I know how he feels when trying to watch a movie with me. January 24 Me: Wait. You two go to the playground at the same time? Do you play together? Kharma: Yes! Rio: No! All she does is beat up my friends! She thinks they are hurting me, but we are really just playing, but she beats them all up anyway! Kharma: *eyeroll* Ugh, boys. January 23 Me: Hey, it looks like the sea monkey tank has thinned out some. Weird. *phone dings* Steffan: (via text) There are shrimp swimming in my water bottle!! .... Of course, both kids deny it. January 21 Kharma does not know that I am watching her right now. She is standing behind the table using her best Martin Luther King Jr. voice, giving a speech. And I declare that kitties are fun to play with... I have a dream that they should all be FREE! January 17 Rio: Martin Woother King was a guy who gave speeches and changed the world, except that he got shot in the head and he doesnt do that stuff anymore. February Rio: What do you need, Mommy? We have soup, water, juice... Ill get you anything. Cover up. Youll never feel better if you dont get warm. Mommy, youre so pretty... Ok. So, if I drink after you, Ill get sick. But... If you drink after me, does that make you get a little bit better? February 25 Rio: Can I have another pet but you dont throw my first pet away? Me: Like what? Rio: An ostrich. Me: Uh, no. Rio: But we have a big yard! I want to ride on it and go really fast and train it to claw up bad guys. And it could be friends with the cats. February 25 Yep, hes mine. Rio: Mommy I really like your sweats better than your other clothes. You should wear those to work. February 12 Rio: So... You know people who are bad guys? Did bad guys love their mommies when they were little? February 4 Rio: Since I have proven that I can be responsible with my art supplies, can I have an axe? February 2 Kharma: They had fish in the cafeteria on Friday. Rio: Ew. You didnt eat it, did you? That cafeteria food has got bad stuff in it. Kharma: No, but it did smell good... And I did get a brownie. Rio: You shouldnt eat the brownies at school or any of the sweets. They all have aspartame in them and everyone knows that aspartame will make your brain blow up. March Rio: Come sit by me, Mommy. Me: I have a bunch of papers to grade, baby. Rio: Just draw a bunch of smiley faces on them and be done. March 29 Me: Rio, Im headed to the store. Anything you need? (expecting to hear bubble gum) Rio: Oh, yeah! I need some really strong cable wire and black electrical tape for the zipline Im building. March 20 Kharma: Look what Rio is doing, Mommy! Rio: How come there has to be a news flash every time I do something bad? April 22 Rio: On Thursday, for the book fair, they are having Donuts for Dads day. Me: Donuts for Dads? Rio: Yeah. Its too bad my dad isnt a police officer, because then he would REALLY like that. April 18 Rio: I like this song! Have you ever heard it, Mommy? Me: Yeah. Is that Back in Black? Rio: I dont know, but its a song by A C lightning D C. April 7 Rio: Why does underwear always have cool pictures on it and stuff when we wear pants over them so that nobody sees it? April 6 Rio: I want some of that chap stick. Kharma: Its lipstick and boys are not allowed to wear lipstick... Because they eat it. Rio: Thats probably just because its delicious. May 30 Me: Why is there a slice of watermelon on Kharmas bedside table? Steffan: She found it somewhere. Me: Found it? Where did you find it? Kharma: Under Rios bed. Rio: *shrug* June Kharma: You are the best mommy I have ever had! Me: Yeah? Have you had many mommies? Kharma: (mysterious look) Well... Ive had a few. June 27 So Im panicking, looking EVERYWHERE for my daughter, who is nowhere to be found and I finally discover that she is... running around on the roof. We have got to cut that tree. July 30 Me: Kharma, you have got to stop getting yourself in trouble just because youre angry that your brother being punished. Kharma: But we have the same DNA!!! Me: Well then why doesnt it bother you when you do mean things to him? Kharma: Its just HOW WE WERE BORN. July 28 As I was cleaning the kitchen, Rio was undoing my work by splattering robot blood all over the rest of the house. What is robot blood? A solution of WD40, liquid aminos and black paint. If this robot comes to life, it had better know how to clean. August 13 Me: I cant believe your classroom has a tree house inside of it. And your teacher seems really nice. Rio: Yeah, Mommy, but there is something you need to know about teachers. They act all nice at first, but thats just a trick to get kids to come to school so that that can be mean to them. Me: Im a teacher! Do you think I want to be mean to kids? Rio: *blushing* Well, not ALL teachers are like that... Me: I see. Well, I wish I had a tree house in my classroom. Rio: Um, HELLO! You have a genius builder sitting right here in front of you, eating a yummy snack. Ill come up there one day and bring my tools. August 13 Kharma: I really wish we were rich. Me: Why? What would you buy? Kharma: A pizza. August 13 Me: You have a new principal! Rio: What is his name? Me: Mr. Lewis. Rio: Mr. Lewis?! Me: Not the same Mr. Lewis. This Mr. Lewis is a white guy. Rio: Hm. I like the brown principals better. August 1 Rio says, Mommy, I think Im not like other people... I have, like, a special power. You know how spider webs are invisible? Well, when the light hits them...I can see them a little bit. August 19 Me: What are you doing at the stove?! Rio: Making oatmeal cookies like Dados. Me: Here, give it to me. Rio: I can do this myself! I am Dados clone, you know. September 7 Rio: Welcome to my spa, Mommy. Lie down here. Ok... This is a nice baking soda rub for your back. And a towel... Me: Yikes, thats cold! Rio: Yes, thats because it is supposed to cool off your back and relax you. Do you need your toe hairs trimmed? Me: Uh...no. Rio: Ok, then we will just stick to the massage. Now its time for the nunchakus. November 26 Rio: Did the pilgrims kill the Indians and take their land? Me: Yep. Rio: Theres a kid in my class who says hes part Indian, but he doesnt even know what his favorite Indian food is. *eyeroll* Sept 30 Steffan: What is this slimy stuff in the bottom of my glass? Me: Oh...that glass. Steffan: What?? Me: Um, the kids were keeping a water snail in that. Sept 1 In the grocery store parking lot, Kharma gets out of the car at the same time that the woman in the car next to us is getting in her car. She looks to be about 50, if that. Kharma says, Do you need any help, maam? and puts a bag in the ladys car. Then she turns to me and LOUDLY says, Hey, mom! Guess what?! I just helped an old woman! *facepalm* December 19 Kharma: Ive never had another Mommy who works so hard for me. Dec 24 Rio: If youre stuck in the woods in the snow, dont eat it. Build a fire and boil it to make it drinkable, because an animal might have fecesed in it. Dec 10 Me: Time to get up! Kharma: It has NOT been two extra hours. It has only been a few minutes! Me: *shows her the clock* Kharma: That is not right. Me: Rio, time to get ready for school. Rio: What?? What happened to my two extra hours?? I dont think a two hour delay is quite what its cracked up to be around here.
Posted on: Thu, 25 Dec 2014 20:52:50 +0000
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