Hey Guys- I was talking to the HR director of a transportation company about their upcoming round of performance appraisals. She was not happy that it was that time of the year again. So, whats the problem? I asked. You dont even have to do them. their bosses do. I know, but I have to dal with the fallout afterward, especially with one employee. Last year it was awful. They got into a big conflict, and now I have talked to the employee and he doesnt want to meet with his boss for a review again, and the boss doesnt want to do it either. Both of them hated it. What went wrong? I asked. I think it was just too aggressive, but the person had some real issues, and I think he is a little oversensitive, she said. So, which one do you think was the problem? Do you think the boss was too hard on him, or was he just not able to take negative feedback? I asked. Thats really hard to tell, she admitted. It just did not go well. And that is the problem. In many boundary-setting conversations or confrontation or conflicts, the real issue gets lost, and it is difficult to figure out who actually has the problem because the way the conversation is handled becomes the issue - instead of the issue itself. People go into a conversation to talk about some problem and the conversation is hurtful, and it becomes a bigger problem that the problem was. When a person brings up an issue, the issue should remain the issue. But if they say it in a way that is demeaning, disrespectful, judgmental, or toxic, then two really bad outcomes follow. First, there is a new problem to be solved, i.e., the hurt that just occurred. Second, the old problem gets lost in the interaction and still remains. When we feel hurt, our brains get flooded as a result of the emotions, and when that happens, judgment, the capacity for self-observation, insight and connection can all be diminished. But to resolve problems, you need as much of those elements in the room as possible. So, you want to learn how to have these conversations in the best way possible, minimizing hurt and maximizing problem solving. Remember, you are there to aid in self-observation and problem observation in the other person, not to reduce it. In addition, you are there to strengthen your relationship with them as well. That is the whole point of having the conversation in the first place!! For a successful outcome, you have to realize that there are two possible ways for the conversation to go badly. First, you can go about it in a way that will make the other person hurt or defensive. Second, you may be dealing with one of those people who gets hurt and defensive just because the sun comes up every day. The first one is the only one you can control, but you will be better off by being aware of the second possibility as well, and delivering the news in the best way possible. Cheers, Henry
Posted on: Wed, 05 Nov 2014 19:23:40 +0000
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