Hey all, this is Trina. I havent been around in a little while, splitting my time between a new (March- and still trying to adjust and keep a balance in our house) job and my 3 wonderful guys. My hubby and I experienced this exact same phenomena; I and You vs. WE and US. First Id like to say that I made this mistake. I constantly said things like I wish you would help me and I feel alone or my ultimate: I dont understand why you cant just listen to me. I think that the above message is something that most of us whove managed to find some balance have experienced to varying degrees. *NOTE - When I refer to us, I mean other couples that I know personally and have spoken to about this.* Some of us have found a safe way of using those I statements the counselors talk about, but I think for the rest of us, weve fumbled around until we discovered that even using those, our partners felt that they were still being blamed for things. I believe that each couple should find a way to communicate that works for them, but this article explains what I call the faulty mentality quite a few people I know had about those I statements. Second, Id like to say that I can see why some of you are upset or outright pissed with this but I firmly believe that if each one of you that are upset would step back and read it objectively, youd find that this actually applies to ALL marriages. Nobody likes to be blamed, nobody likes to feel put down, and nobody likes to be raked over the coals all the time either. But a marriage is and should be TWO people. What I mean is two people creating ONE marriage. Because when those two people decide to combine their lives, doesnt that usually mean that I and You go out the window anyways? A marriage means two become one..... So Im wondering, where did the I and You come back in to play? When we add PTSD, TBI, Depression, or any other injury - mental or physical - into a relationship, that we thing should be even stronger. Ive seen that when you have one person doing all of the work, all of the time, the balance of that marriage is thrown off-kilter and the one working starts feeling used, alone, unloved, and a whole host of other negative emotions. I did anyways. Unfortunately, those of us working tended to forget that there a lot deeper negatives going on in the silent partner of the marriage. And the silent partner has no idea how to deal with the workers anger, hostility, and negativity - so they say nothing and do nothing out of self-defense or because they dont know how to respond without their own anger, hostility, and negativity. In my own house, these behaviors were a cycle that almost destroyed us. Until I figured out that I and You have NO PLACE in OUR marriage. Things arent easy, and to this day we still catch ourselves using those I statements, but hings have gotten a LOT better since we started putting US first. Oh, one quick thing Id like to clarify! Im not saying that the silent partners werent working just as hard as their partner. Im just saying that it was probably in ways their partner didnt see or appreciate at the time. Although not written specifically about PTSD Shawn did mention it in here writing here because it is part of their story. To fully understand this you have to read the whole thing through. It very well may surprise you.
Posted on: Thu, 03 Jul 2014 00:47:41 +0000
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