Hi Drew, 18 months since we said goodbye. 18 months is a long time for me, sometimes an eternity. Today I struggle to find the words I want to think, let alone write to you. The struggles that some people bear must be horrific if they choose to end their life. This is not me being judgmental, but sad. I wonder if someone could have just reached out and made a difference, and then I wonder where I have gone wrong. My emotions run just below the surface these days, wavering between uncontrollable sadness and anger. Im always angry with myself because there are so many things I could have done differently that day. Im angry that your brother and sister have to go so long in life without you tangibly by their side. Im devastated by their sadness and the haunting memories of that day that start replaying the few days before your monthly anniversary, like a record that skips and skips, on repeat endlessly. Some days the effort it takes to get through the days drains me. At these points I can glimpse the devastation others feel and see how other options can be chosen. That is not the path for me. Today I thought of my dad, your Goopa, and how I know he was there holding your hand and giving you love the moment you crossed over. I miss talking to him and leaning on him, but it eases the pain somewhat to know he is with you. Most importantly, I remembered to stop and look, to really listen and hear today. I remembered how much you loved life. I hugged your brother and sister a little longer and a lot tighter. I gave Daddy an extra hug for you too. I miss hearing you laugh when Alex is on the field. I miss you cheering Brandon from the sidelines, his staunched support and fan. I miss the I love yous every night and that glorious smile of yours. (But maybe not the teenage attitude--although Id give anything for one more day of even that). So we press on and continue to love and try to make a difference to and for others, but I often wonder is it enough. This weekend your siblings take the DC United pitch before the game like you did once. I know you will be there cheering and smiling. Its not the same, but I have some comfort knowing you are there and I will see you in Gods glorious kingdom. So until next months anniversary and birthday celebration of your golf tournament, I will keep trying to make you proud. We all miss you and love you. I wish I could see you get on the bus for the first day of 8th grade, keeping an eye out for B like always, but we know you are here. As always, I love you with each breath. Mommy
Posted on: Tue, 12 Aug 2014 20:26:27 +0000
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