Hi! My name is Tony and I have recently been accepted as SDOAs first male admin! That being said, I think I should let you all know what led me here! My story, my New normal! This is a story I shared with family and friends, and a grief group that I was/am apart of. Thank you all for taking the time to read! In the comment section of this, I will post the tribute I made for my beautiful Angel! If any of you have any questions for me, please feel free to ask! Again, thank you :-) This is called, The day she went away! July 18th, 2014, one of the best days of my life! I watched my 3rd child be born! My wife was induced because her blood pressure was getting high, and they where worried about stress on the baby! She showed signs of preeclampsia. She wasnt supposed to be here til Aug. 8th! I was so excited, but so worried! Well, labor went great! And we welcome Lilliana Rae Shine into the world! She was amazing! Perfect in every way! Oh how she was so perfect! As the days went by, my wife and I noticed she was VERY advanced! She would hold her head up! Try to roll over! Smiled from day one! Made noises like she was trying to talk! Perfect in every way! We called her our super baby! She captured everyones heart from the beggining! She is an amazing baby, so of course! August 17th at 5:30 am, I was on my way to work and was stopped for a light being out over my license plate! Unknown to me, I had a warrant out for my arrest for a fishing ticket! I got a ticket for having a one day expired fishing license! I did not get out of jail til 2:30 am on the 18th! My wife and daughter where in the parking lot waiting on me! I ran to my wife, hugged her! Opened the back door to the suv, there my daughter laid in her car seat! Fast asleep, but she smiled when I kissed her! We came home, I cuddled my little girl for a little while! Then when I started falling asleep I told my wife to put her in her bed! My wife woke up with the baby at 9:30 am, changed her butt, gave her kisses, & fed her. the baby Detached at 9:54, so my wife laid her next to her, scooted away, and curled up to me... at 10:00 am I woke up in a panic... Babe! wheres the baby???, she kinda chuckled, moved her arm so I could see her, and said right here babe!.... I let out a sigh of relief! I started across the bed to get up for the day.... My wife let out a gasp... I turned back, looked at my baby, she was blue.... Seconds turned into hours it felt like.... I fell off the bed onto my knees and started screaming, why is she blue?? Why is my baby blue??... I grabbed my wifes phone. She is trained in pediatrics... She grabbed the baby, removed her onsie, and started CPR and mouth to mouth.... And yelled to me, I dont know baby! Call 911!! as she started CPR I could hear her saying, Come on baby, Come on baby, breath!, My world was crashing around me fast... I ran to the stairs, in shock, still screaming, and trying to dial 911 with shaky hands. I informed them of the situation and was screaming at the operator... Minutes later and EMT was running up my stairs to get my daughter. They came out with her, holding her, still doing CPR. Got in the ambulance and sped off to the hospital. Cops showed up, an advocate showed up, and a friend. I called my mom right away and told her what was going on, with a voice I have never heard her talk in before, she said, Tony, Im on my way!, I hung the phone up, dropped down on my knees next to my wife on the lawn, and screamed up to heaven, Why God why??? Please no!!! Please bring my baby back!!... We stuttered to get in the car to go to the hospital. It was our last piece of hope... We loaded up with our friend, she hastly drove us to the hospital.. We where met by an officer, another friend, my mom, & the advocate... We walked in to the ER, then to a family room, there was already another family there and the mom, who looked like she had recently had a baby, was screaming, No not my baby!! NO NO NO!, I knew... I knew why she was screaming. They had us wait in the hall for a moment, I made eye contact with a nurse whom was crying. My heart sank.... They pulled us into a doctors only room. An exhausted and emotional doctor looked at us, she knew. They had us sit down.... They asked what our daughters name was, a priest walked in. They asked all non family to leave... My wife and I knew right away!! The doctor informed us, baby lilliana came in, unresponsive.. We where able to get her oxygen levels up, but it was artificially. I tried everything I could for 50 minutes... Im sorry to tell you, your daughter has gone to heaven!, we lost it... Screaming, crying, yelling!! They took us to the family room and informed us we could go see her. I couldnt at first. I ran outside, hit the grass, and started crying... My friend ran out after me, sat next to me, and cried her eyes out too! My wife, mom, step dad, and our other friend, went in to see our baby! Everyone came out to inform me I needed to go be with my wife and daughter one last time. I went in, she laid there on that bed under the light, wrapped in her blanket, with a tube out of her nose. I stopped at the door way, my air had been snatched from my lungs.... I walked over to her, kissed her and screamed, No no no!! She is cold, why is my baby cold??, I knew why... I ran out. I was talked into going back in.... I ran in there, went to pick her up, everyone told me no no becareful! So I just wrapped my arms around her, and talked to her like I always did... Daddy loves you princess, so so so so much! Why did you have to leave? Please open your eyes baby!! PLEASE!! Daddy wants to see those beautiful eyes again!, of course, she couldnt.... We said our thoughts to her, then where swifted away so the coroner could come do his assesment.. He and a detective pulled us into a room and asked me the most heart wrenching questions of my life.... We where told we couldnt hold her anymore, just look at her! I couldnt handle that. So my wife went in with my mother and talked to her some more. We then left the hospital... The days to follow where a blur... Picking out flowers, songs, casket, talking with the minister that would do the service, informing everyone, picking out her last outfit and last blanket to wrap her in. My moment of clarity was writting her poem I would say during the service, and the words to follow... Then back into the blur I slipped. Picking out our keepsakes we would keep her ashes in, one for my wife, one for me. Ugh, its all been so much. Then the day of the service came.... It was so hard, so hard to see her laying there, now its real again. Now we see her, not moving, not breathing, not smiling, not looking again... I never knew my heart could hurt so bad.... All the people poured in, their faces ran together. I held my wife as we said our words to her. I said, Baby, I REFUSE to tell you good bye, so this is see you later!... The service was over. We did a wake following, released balloons, and with them went my heart! Everyone has disappeared since.... The days have gone back to being a blur since. Most days, I feel so numb, the shock is still here. I feel like, Oh she is just visiting a family member or something., then it will hit me in waves, shes not.... Shes in the arms of the lord! I miss her so much! And I have such a hard time with wanting to move forward! I smile some days, just so my wife will.... But I am dying inside. Literally....I have majorly turned to God through this, though some of my frustration lye with him as well! Sorry its so long... Thank you for taking the time to read a piece of her story! :-)
Posted on: Thu, 27 Nov 2014 07:31:05 +0000
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