Hole. E. Crap. Are you F’ing kidding me? Do you know what these are? Seriously, if you can guess what they are I will give you a million dollars. Well, if I had a million dollars to spare I would. Wait, no I wouldn’t, I’d give it to some starving children. But I digress. These, my friends, are tampons. I shit you not. Straight from the bottom of the ocean and now sold on etsy to put up your hoo-ha during THAT time of the month. As Daryl Hannah said in Splash, EEEEEEEEK EEEEEEEEEEEK EEEEEEEEEEEK! Anyways, I had a few thoughts about these bad boys. 1. WTF? Really? I mean I’m all for keeping Mother Earth the way we found her, but I think when it comes to these she’s probably like, you want to put my WHAT in your WHAT WHAT?! 2. On Etsy they call them Sponges tampons. Ummm, that’s a mouthful. Nope, from here on out I’m calling them Spongepons. Much catchier. 3. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea Spongepon in your pants! Absorbent and yellow and porous is he Spongepon in your pants! 4. I’ve always wondered what I would use if I were stranded on a desert island and got my period. Wait, no I haven’t. And people who are stranded on desert islands are NOT shopping on Etsy anyway. 5. OMG, do the women on Survivor have to use shit like this? JEFF PROBST: Wait, the tribe hasn’t spoken. It’s not time for you to go yet. ME: Jeff, I’m voting myself off the F’ing island if I have to use those. 6. It says it’s a handmade item. My ass it is. It’s an earth-made item that some scuba diver found on his trip to Club Med. 7. HUBBY: Come here honey, I’ll loofa your back. ME: Aggggh, that’s not a loofa. That’s my tampon!!! 8. Buy one family cloth, get one spongepon free 9. ‘Cause that’s what you want your hoo-ha to smell like. That fresh out of the ocean smell. 10. Agggh, where’s the string to pull it out?! Or at least a piece of seaweed or something! 11. Did you know a sponge was once a living creature? Guess that means your vagina’s not a vegetarian. PETA must be up in arms about this. 12. KID: Mommmm, I spilled my milk! Quick give me your Spongepon! 13. I mean I think the awesomest thing about this is that if you’re doing a menstruation painting, you don’t have to wash any paintbrushes. If you don’t believe me, google it. Wait, no, don’t. Whatever you do, DON’T google it. 14. Awesome, I’ve been looking for a good Spongepon to put in my conch shell.
Posted on: Tue, 09 Sep 2014 00:45:01 +0000
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