How can I deal with my negative feelings toward a family member ? Q #658: I have a sibling whom I loved dearly for many years and considered the epitome of truth and honesty. Now that we live near each other and I see her often, the pedestal I kept her on for so many years has been steadily eroding. Mostly, her demeaning attitude towards our elderly father often sends me into a blind rage. Knowing what I know now about projection, perception, forgiveness and so on, Ive been trying to see it differently. To my surprise and dismay, the negative feelings became even worse. Can you tell me why? A: If you try to see it differently when you are in a rage, you are fighting against yourself, and that is never helpful. It is far more helpful to just watch yourself being angry or not being able to let go of your negative feelings, and then not judge yourself. It is part of the healing process to become aware of the part of you that does not want to see it differently. One way of defining right- mindedness is: looking at wrong-mindedness without judgment. That in fact is the first stage of learning to see it differently, which many students tend to skip because they think that hatred is sinful and they therefore want to get rid of it right away. Looking at the hatred without judgment, and then realizing that you cannot hate and be at peace at the same time is what will eventually spark the shift. So when you ask for help to see the situation differently, all of that comes into play. Patience and gentleness with yourself is extremely important. Specialness has deep roots, and it takes a while to work through all the layers to the love underneath. Special love (the pedestal) is deceptive, we are taught in A Course in Miracles, because it always conceals hatred. That is why it is harder to work with than the more up-front, blatant special hate relationship. If you had your sister on a pedestal, you must have been feeling separate from her the whole time; and, given the ego dynamics involved in comparisons, you must also have been secretly accusing her of having stolen her saintliness from you! These are not conscious dynamics, but they help explain the worsening of your negative feelings, because the hatred that was hidden inside the pedestal of special love has been exposed now that the pedestal has been shattered. In looking at the special relationship, it is necessary at first to realize that it involves a great amount of pain. Anxiety, despair, guilt and attack all enter into it, broken into by periods in which they seem to be gone (T.16.V.1:1,2). It is not unusual at all for things to get worse before they get better when specialness is involved, as special love is a defense, and a defense is needed only if there is fear -- intense fear! So when the defense of special love is threatened, you would have to feel tremendously threatened because a crucial layer of self-protection has been weakened, if not destroyed. Until you realize that you do not need a defense at all, you will react to the threat, which results in increased agitation -- the attack-defense-attack cycle. Perhaps, too, realizing that the saintliness of your sister is not the truth about her (in your mind) is reminding you of the same thing about yourself. This would intensify your anger toward her. The first half of The Two Pictures section in the text (T.17.IV) describes the purpose of special relationships in relation to our determination to keep ourselves separate from God; it is particularly clear about our need for special relationships as a means of self-preservation. facimoutreach.org/qa/questions/questions119.htm#Q658
Posted on: Sun, 27 Oct 2013 17:17:15 +0000