How initiation and healing dont happen where and when we most expect them… I have always had a highly ambivalent relationship with water, particularly the sea – and it has always been much related to my relationship with my mother (In French, the same word is used for both the sea and the mother -- albeit with a slightly different spelling: mer vs. mère). In my childhood, we almost never went anywhere so the water I knew was mostly the one of the big river which we had to cross at least twice a day; most of the year, the waters looked strong and dark. Each time we would walk on the bridge, my mother would hold so tight to my hand that, at times, her nails would sink into the palms of my hands until the flesh bled. Then, she would pull hard at my arm, look at me very upset and tell me that the water was ‘attracting’ her. And of course, each time, what the little girl understood was that she was about to be thrown into the water... A few incidents in which my head was kept under the level of water in a sink or a container and then another incident in the ocean with my father did not help... I never learnt how to swim properly. And although I have always loved watching any body of water, I rarely went into it. Well, it seems that I have had a few breakthrough lately. To be fair, my first breakthrough was probably in the Summer of 2007. I spent a few weeks in the jungle, in Ecuador; in two occasions, I voluntarily went under huge water falls which were sacred to the local population. I will always remember the first time. The water fall was so high and big that it was impossible to see the top of it, so powerful that it took my breath away. And, for a short moment, I thought that I was really going to die right there. I immediately felt the presence of my mother and my fear of her killing me. And then I just let it go, and I said aloud (with the noise of the waterfall, nobody could hear me anyway): OK, that’s OK, I am OK, I can be in the flow, I can do it! This summer, I have spent more time in water than I ever had. I even bought a new swimming suit. And, this past weekend, I did it again in spite of high and strong waves. It felt soooo good (although I continue to wonder why They keep putting so much salt into that water!!!). No idea why I did it this time. I suppose that I was just ready. This morning, I woke up feeling really strange, without being able to pinpoint what was happening exactly. I searched for my notes from my journey through the Ecuadorian jungle and it hit me hard. In my journal, I had written: It is so hard to be one with love without being afraid that it is going to kill me! Breathing… (with special thanks to my friends Sandra Melone, Sophie Menestrier, Andrei Popovici for having been there for me; and to Lourdes Barden Sims who knows why…)
Posted on: Tue, 02 Sep 2014 17:02:30 +0000
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