How to Build Trust Trust is a major part in the foundation of successful interpersonal relationships. It is just as easy to build trust as it is to break it down, provided you are prepared to make the effort. If your interpersonal relationships are plagued by suspicion and fear, making a commitment to building trust rather than destroying it with cynicism can help you to better connect with everyone. Being Reliable 1 Do what you say. Possibly the most important step in building a foundation of trust is to do what you say you will do. Even if it is a small thing, canceling or failing to follow through will create hairline fractures in your trustworthiness. Enough of those, and the foundation will crumble. 2 Honor all of your promises. Trust requires that people believe you are dependable. If you truly cannot meet the promise youve made, be decent enough to explain face-to-face why you can no longer do this. And dont just leave it there––make a new promise to make it up to that person. 3 Do not belittle the promise. However small and insignificant a promise may seem, realize that the other person may place much greater significance on the promise than you. Any lack of follow through will be hugely disappointing. Acknowledge their reality too before you break your promise. Being Honest 1 Tell the truth. Sounds easy, right? Not always. Its surprisingly simple to find yourself saying a little white lie to protect your friend, lover, or even your parents. But if you tell the truth even when the truth isnt perfectly pleasant, you will become much more trustworthy. 2 Speak from the heart. Here is a trick when you really feel like lying to someone, either to spare their feelings or to spare yourself from their unfavorable response: Find an anchor point to focus on by choosing something good about that person. Speak to that goodness, rather than overplaying the bad news or reality check you need to convey. Focus on what the person does right and why this person matters. By doing this, you can cushion a blow and make it clear that you do not judge this person or the situation as indicative of any set outcome. Also, be sure to offer your willingness to listen. For example: If you need to tell a friend that she has stuffed up big time, explain kindly what has gone wrong, in neutral and non-judgmental language. But at the same time, focus on her strengths, her value to you as a friend and, if possible, how she can redeem the situation (just dont go overboard on giving advice; it may not even be something you can advise on). Then ask for her side of the story and listen intently. A conversation might go like this: Beryl, it seems to me you have really messed up with George. He told me he doesnt want to see you again. I heard what he had to say...I can see why he hates what you did [focus on the actions, not the person, all without white lies], but it doesnt change anything about how I see you. Youre still my best buddy, a girl with amazing talent and an incredibly bright future. You deserve someone who really gets you and Im not sure he feels secure around you. Please tell me how you feel, I am totally here for you. 3 Speak your feelings. People who only convey hard facts come across as cold and distant. While you may think its easier to just regurgitate the facts as they happened (according to you), without a layer of compassion and understanding added to what youre conveying, people may perceive you as relishing anothers distress. We are both emotional and rational beings and life is about balancing both, not being overly one way or the other. Being Open 1 Volunteer information. When an opportunity to be vague arises, dont take it. Instead, volunteer information to your listener to prove that you have nothing to hide. To explain this better, read the following example: An example of breaking down trust: How did the meeting with the lawyer go? It went fine. An example of building trust: How did the meeting with the lawyer go? It went fine. The whole day was stressful, getting all the documentation together, and we barely made it on time. But we both signed and he said it would get mailed out tomorrow. In the latter example, you arent saying anything different—–the meeting with the lawyer went fine—–but by volunteering more information, you are proving that you have nothing to hide. 2 Dont omit important details. The main reason it is best not to omit important details is because it is hard to keep up with a string of omissions. People will start to notice contradictions in your stories and you will be considered a liar, even if you are only omitting a little! Tell people things they need or want to know. If you always provide reliable information, they will trust you. 3 If you do have secrets, let it be known. You shouldnt be forced to give up your most personal feelings and secrets just to be trustworthy. Everyone is entitled to privacy. But the key to being trustworthy while also maintaining your privacy is to make the boundary between what youre willing to share and what you want to keep to yourself clear. For example: I am not ready to share my feelings on my ex-wife right now, but I promise you have nothing to worry about. This gives your listener a chance to prove that he or she is understanding and patient, but most importantly, it gives your listener a sense of security. Even if they dont like being shut out, they know that you will eventually divulge. Pretending the secret completely doesnt exist will leak out unintentionally, and simply make them suspicious. 4 Dont mask truths. An offshoot of tell the truth is never to mask truths. Sometimes it seems harmless to morph the truth into something more palatable to preserve your ego. However well-meaning your intention, this is no better than a lie and will hurt trust. For example: A man not admitting that hes broke that weekend may instead claim that he lost his credit card. The loss of a credit card is a harmless possibility, but the risk of the truth emerging (or the risk of your listener perceiving the lie) will fracture trust. Tell the truth no matter the cost. 5 Demonstrate that you expect reciprocal openness. Rely on the other person to give you the full truth. Mistrust comes as much from what people know, including what they do not know. Do not be afraid to ask questions, such as Is that all there is to it or is there something more I need to know? or I have a feeling you are keeping something back still. If I am to help you, I need to be aware of everything thats bothering you. Just take care not to come across as pushy or intimidating; always give your listener time to go off and think about their lack of openness toward you. Keeping Confidences 1 Keep secrets imparted to you. No gossip allowed. Never blab someone elses story. Enough said. You can only trust people who are discreet and those who can keep the same silences or protect your confidences. If you tell, it will come back full circle and your confidante will cease to trust you. Sometimes we let things slip when under pressure, tired, or not thinking clearly. In this case, own up to the originator of the information quickly, so that both of you can go into damage control as a team, rather than alienating each other. 2 If you do lie, admit to it. Sometimes it feels unavoidable to lie. It is best to confess to your lie as soon as possible and explain your motives. If you get caught, dont deny it. That is simply another lie. Showing Your Integrity 1 Display loyalty. This refers to your ability to protect others, to be on same side, both in their presence and, most importantly, in their absence. Trust is solid when a person knows he or she has your loyalty. 2 Be competent. Gain the respect and admiration of others by displaying adequate interpersonal skills and/or professional ability. Social skills and good manners can all be learned, even if you have social anxiety or other relating challenges. Do your best to practice basic social skills with people you trust, so that you can then help others who dont know you so well to trust you more. 3 Demonstrate a strong moral ethic. This is particularly important in relationships. The other person must feel confident that you will not falter or show betrayal in any form, even when away from each other. Be true and be dedicated. 4 Be neutral when placed in difficult predicaments. Do not choose sides until you make certain that you know the hard facts. 5 Aim to be objective and show fairness. When making decisions or taking actions, consider how others may perceive your decision and choices in terms of objectivity and fairness. 6 Do not display double standards. Show consistency in your behavior. Consistency in your behavior relates to your reliability and predictability. It also determines your ability and good judgment in handling situations. Be personally accountable for things that youre responsible for––do not try to shift the blame. If you are in a position of leading others, realize that the leader accepts blame on behalf of the team and does not attempt to shift it onto other people; this requires strength of character, so dont be afraid to start building yours up. Self deception is still about lying. You may have convinced yourself that something you did or said was honest where an objective view of the situation would see it as quite something else. Seeing reality your way wont account for how others see the action undertaken or words spoken. If others perceive your words or actions as untrustworthy, trust will be broken.
Posted on: Mon, 31 Mar 2014 13:23:12 +0000
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