How to Deal With Chronic Complainers Understanding the Chronic Complainer Mindset Despite how difficult their complaints are for those around them, chronic complainers do not usually see themselves as negative people. Rather they perceive themselves as forever being on the losing end of things, as drawing the short straw on a daily basis. Therefore they see the world as being negative and themselves as merely responding appropriately to annoying, aggravating or unfortunate circumstances. Even those chronic complainers who do recognize their prodigious complaining output truly believe their unlucky lot in life more than justifies expressing their dissatisfaction to those around them. After all, it is they who have been saddled with more problems and misfortune than most. Survival Tip #1: Do not try to convince a chronic complainer things are not as bad as they think they are or suggest they are over-reacting to events and situations. This will only compel him or her to mention 10 additional complaints or dissatisfactions you have not yet heard about, that might give you a better understanding of how terrible their lives actually are. Understanding What Chronic Complainers Want Chronic complainers complain to those around them because they seek sympathy and emotional validation. (See instructions about how to provide emotional validation like a champ.) In other words, they want you to validate their experience, to tell them that indeed their glass was chipped, that, yes, they were given tap water rather than bottled water and that, in fact, they should probably get a good nights sleep so they can ward off whatever germs were embedded in that smudge on the rim. Survival Tip #2: The quickest way to extract yourself from a complaining soliloquy, or shorten grumble-a-thon, is to validate their feelings, express sympathy (which must sound authentic or it will not do the trick: See how to be empathic here), and then redirect the complainer to the task at hand. For example, The printer jammed on you again? Gee, thats incredibly annoying! I know its hard to shrug off those kinds of things but I hope you can be a trooper because we really have to get back to the Penske file... Understanding what Chronic Complainers Dont Want Most chronic complainers truly see their lives as being full of hardship and challenge. (Some peoples lives are actually full of hardship or tragedy, but I refer here to people whose lives are not unusual in that regard). Chronic complainers perceptions about their hardships are deeply embedded in their personalities and sense of identity. Therefore, although they tell others about their problems all the time, they are not really looking for advice or solutions. Even when your advice is would actually resolve a problem for them, chronic complainers will not be especially happy to hear it: Anything that takes away from public recognition of their hardship is something they will experience as threatening to their identity and even to their sense of self. Therefore, they often respond to sound advice either by explaining why the suggestions wont work, or by actually becoming upset that the person offering it doesnt understand how unsolvable their problem actually is. Survival Tip #3: In the majority of situations (there are some obvious exceptions), you should avoid offering advice or solutions and stick to sympathy and emotional validation. However, even chronic complainers sometimes encounter authentic problems and make legitimate complaints. In such cases, when distress is warranted, offer sympathy followed by brief but pointed advice and it will probably be accepted and appreciated. Tchao!
Posted on: Tue, 25 Mar 2014 23:14:51 +0000
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