How you knew shit was about to go down. https://youtube/watch?v=IOpQzFuSUwg Side note: Lately Ive been incredibly depressed. Some of you already know this, many of you who might see this wont. I just want all of you to know that Im sorry for the way this has made me behave, I really, really, truly am sorry. I dont want to be this way, I TRY not to be this way. But depression is a strange thing. For most of my life Ive simply dealt with it by either ignoring it, hiding it, or distracting myself from it while I let time pass till it faded away. It was as of late that I began to realize that simply hiding it or letting it pass wasnt working, and more importantly that it was going away for less and less time. For you Batman fans, I might put it akin to Batman putting the Joker in Arkham. The more he does it, the more he escapes, and no matter what he does to try and keep that from happening, the Joker seems to leave whenever he wants to rear his ugly mug. Yes I just equated myself to Batman, shut up, thats not the point. The point is that alone, Ive never been able to deal with my depression properly. All Ive been able to do is keep my friends and most of all family from learning of it, from seeing it, and from trying to help me with it. I took it as my burden, and my responsibility, because I could handle it, and because I knew all of my friends have so much troubles and worries in their lives just as I do, and I didnt want to add my burden to others. On the contrary, some times, quite often in the past but less so recently, I used to help others shoulder their burdens. But in the end I guess it was like fixing someones sinking ship with parts from my sinking ship. Thats why Ive done it less and less lately maybe, because Im running out of parts. At any rate, Im sorry for the way my depression has made me behave. For some of you its made me anti-social to the point of ignoring you, for others its made me irritable and less friendly in general. I havent made it through my depression right now. If anything moments ago I was ready to puke, retching into my toilet trying to keep my mom from hearing so she wouldnt worry about me. But all the same while I have a few moments of clarity that arent clouded by angry, sad, anxious, or dark emotions in general, I decided Id try and explain myself to any and all of you. Again, Im sorry for my behavior towards some of you. I would never want it for any of you, and I feel as though I may have hurt some of those I loved most in the past because of this. I dont want that to happen. This is hard for me because the last time I opened up to someone they abused it, they hurt me worse despite my need for help. I see that was their fault though as much as mine for making a poor choice. I might be making another, but hell, Im a slow learner. I should wrap this up because Im feeling it coming back around strong here... but I just needed to post this. I needed to explain my behavior because I dont think I can hide this anymore from everyone, even if I still will from a small few. I got work tomorrow, and while thats been a huge cause of these thoughts and feelings, I still have to go, and I will; until I break down and stop Ill keep trying. Sorry again. Ill try harder in the future to not let this negatively affect my friends.
Posted on: Tue, 02 Sep 2014 04:59:01 +0000