*****Humor and pink lipstick***** Today, I got so tickled. I realized that I said something to the kids on the way to school that is clearly a “southern woman” thing to say. This revelation had me thinking of all the ways we southern women/mamas gloss over the negative side of life with the southern tools that were given to us by all of the southern women before us. These are just a handful of social rules that were passed down from generation to generation…..from our mothers, grandmothers and their mothers before them. See if you can recognize yourself in any of these: ~~~ The “Heaven Forbid” rule ~~~ If you want to speak of another person’s untimely demise, while they are still on this earth, all you have to do is add, “Heaven forbid” in front of it….. and just like that, the guilt is washed away for even thinking such a thing! For example, this morning, I saw a new Animal hospital going up near our home. I thought for a minute and said, “Guys, you know what I could do if, *Heaven forbid* something ever happened to your Daddy? I really think I could open up my own kennel for dogs who need a fun place to stay while their owners are away. …..We carried on this conversation and even made grand plans should that day, *Heaven forbid* ever arrive. ~~~ Bless their heart ~~~ This is a biggie, here in the south. “Bless their heart” for us, southern girls, is a guilt-free way of gossiping without the guilt of it. (See, we don’t like guilt. We don’t appreciate it’s value, so we find other ways to say things without the guilt of it.) heehee! **For example, “Bless her stupid heart. She is clearly delusional.” You see, by adding, “Bless her heart” up top, you get your opinion out there, along with your judgment without looking like a mean-spirited or jealous woman. **How this rule applies to a southern woman’s husband: “Bless your stupid heart, honey. You just don’t get it do you.” See, instead of your husband getting mad, he will either A.) get tickled or B.) scratch his head trying to figure out if that was an actual insult or not. ***** Goober ***** “Goober” or “Dweeb” is a fun-loving southern way of telling someone, (in a playful manner) that they are goofy as heck. I usually find myself saying this to my kids or a friend, (man or woman), who is….well…..being goofy as heck. ☺ You can also say this to your love in a flirtatious way. Now, if a southern girl is having a conversation with another southern girl and she tells her friend that so-and-so is a “goober”….that’s not good. They really do think the fella is a goofball. ***** Let me tell you somethin’ ***** When “Let me tell you somethin’” is at the beginning of a southern woman’s sentence to you, she is either A.) about to hand your hide to you on a silver platter because she is fed up or put out with you. OR B.) She is about to tell you something juicy that usually ends with “Bless her heart.” Ha! *If she says these words to you in a low and controlled tone, you better get ready to have your hide handed to you. ‘cause she ain’t plain’. ***** Stop being ugly ***** This is not an insult to a southern woman’s child. Each southern child understands that when their mama tells them to “stop being ugly”, they aren’t talking about their physical attributes. What they mean is to “stop being mean”. Example, “Hey! Stop being ugly to your brother or you’re about to get the “what for”….which in this case, “what for” means that they will receive punishment. **** Southern women and cussing ***** Okay, this rule is somewhat blurred. It is definitely not ladylike, nor is cussing socially acceptable……especially at church parties or church functions. (In fact, the older generation would never. They are much more refined.) As a southern woman ages, however, she usually shows off her “cussing muscles” only when with her inner circle of friends, in a confined and safe place. And it is usually to add humor to the conversation. Southern women cussing around children is never really acceptable to other southern women. Does it happen? Sure. Is it socially acceptable? No. (That is never really acceptable, even to the veteran cussers.) **Also, the reason that southern women get away with it more is because they elongate the words to make it sound somewhat funny. The one syllable cuss words are ALWAYS made into two syllables. Always. The first time I ever cussed out loud was when I was a junior in High School. Oh, I wanted to before then! But there was NO WAY I would actually say the words out loud. UNTIL……one day……… I was in our car with Kimberly Spinks Burleson She was driving. While driving, she asked, “Have you ever cussed?” I smiled, “Have you?” She replied, “Asked you first.” I smiled and FINALLY took my chance to be a real-life rebel! With all the rebelliousness I could muster, I blurted out a full-blown, STREAM of “been-holding-it-in-all-my-life” cuss words that I had never uttered before!!!! I said, “Uh, ya mean something like this??.....MFSAB!!!” It spilled out of my mouth like lava from an erupted volcano….. and that “stream of filth” left my sister speechless!! Haha! All I could do was smile at her like I had just won a contest! Kimberly’s eyes got as wide as saucers…..her mouth dropped and then the corners of her mouth turned into a smile that then left her in FITS OF LAUGHTER!!!! Fits of laughter so big that we almost had an accident! When she laughs, she laughs hard….she laughs loud…..and…she laughs with her entire body! We accidentally drove OVER the curb, onto a sidewalk…..back on the street…..into the next lane…..until she finally came to a stop where we were laughing so hard, we couldn’t even gather ourselves enough to realize that we were at a standstill in the middle of the road!!! LOL!!!!! That has, forevermore, been our go-to phrase if we EVER want to bring a smile to the other’s face. It works in all occasions. Haha!! (Terrible! Haha! We were such rebels, weren’t we?) Last but not least, the emergency packet that must be in every southern woman’s bag, (purse) is: *****Chocolate and pink lipstick***** These two, together, have saved many a southern woman. When my niece was getting ready for her wedding and things began to go awry…..stain on wedding dress……bridesmaid not happy with her hair or makeup….photographers needing help getting perfect shots with unhappy little ones….etc.. I stopped the presses and said, with both hands in front of me as if I was directing traffic, “Okay, STOP….let’s just stop and take a deep breath.” I looked over at Summer, who was helping with the little ones, and said, “Summer, go get the chocolate and lipstick out of my bag….and bring it to me quickly, please.” As if she were a nurse, who had just received an order from the chief surgeon in an emergency surgery, she was back to me STAT with both items. I gave each person a chocolate rolo and told my other niece to hold steady while I helped bring her very high hair down just one story......and then I applied a pink shade of my favorite lipstick on her. Just like that, all was right with the world again! (Another personal “pink lipstick cure” memory) When Kevin snapped at one of my sisters this past 4th of July, I was livid. (You don’t mess with my sisters…..even if you are my husband. You just don’t.) I was so mad that I couldn’t stop the tears. I quietly made my way to my master bathroom, had a good cry.. THEN, as I heard more guests arrive, I took a deep breath, grabbed my favorite shade of pink lipstick, applied it, gave my lips two quick “bob bobs”, (as to get the lipstick color evenly on both lips), then I was ready to face the world. Out of the bathroom I went. Smiling to my guests as if nothing at all in the world was wrong, someone asked about Kevin and I said, “He’s outside flipping burgers.” And then to my sisters, I whispered, “Right where he belongs, bless his stupid heart.” We laughed and laughed. Pink lipstick and humor. The cure-all for us southern girls. ;-)
Posted on: Wed, 22 Oct 2014 15:13:54 +0000
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