I BEGIN LITTLE BY LITTLE TO CLARIFY WHAT HAD HAPPENED TO ME AND WHY, TO FACE THINGS WHICH AFFECTED ME AND OVERCOME THEM WITH CLARITY AND CALMNESS: WITH A TRIDEMENSIONAL REALITY, WITHOUT THE SENSATIONS AND VISIONS OF THE BEYOND AND OF A “UNIVERSAL CONSCIOUSNESS” … I knew that they were already in Hell for many months: in that irrational, controlled, schizophrenic mental state; in that state of a null, possessed soul. I knew that because of the irrational contradictions which they said one day and contradicted the next day, reactions that I myself had had…. Also because John had wanted to speak about the Battle of Armageddon. They weren’t even Catholics, what interest could that Battle have to John? The interest was due to the fact that the book they read was called the Power of The Serpent, and that I had fallen exactly in Hell, the place of the Serpent of the Bible… I also understood now the face of the Naja Serpent that had come near me, truly I had been terribly close to it. (pg. 139) *** One night I had a dream: I was entering a store full of religious articles about Jesus. At the cash register was a deformed young woman, with handicapped limbs. I went to her and asked her to show me some pictures belonging to Jesus´ time. The young woman opened up a thick album and began to explain: “This one is when they hammered him to the Cross. This one is when they stabbed him with the spear…” and others. However, she was explaining everything in a painful, heavy way, full of discouragement towards Life. A way that was giving to the Death of Christ a meaning of sorrow, a lot of suffering, at the same time as she was holding on to him as if he was the only objective she lived for, the only thing that kept her standing. The pictures also only showed a sacrifice full of bitterness as if it was an obligatory feeling of Jesus, of a debt towards God. I awoke immediately from the dream with the sensation that this dream was very important for me and I understood. The young woman taking care of the store was me. Me, in my inside deformity, was giving the meaning to an act of courage, love, willing sacrifice, full of strength, a pain lived with suffering but felt with Glory and Passion – a meaning of atrocious discouragement. I was going through that pain, that grief, not with courage, but with masochism. In that way I was taking away the true meaning of Jesus´ sacrifice. From that extraordinary dream on, I lost immediately the pity that I felt towards myself and towards the death of the Lord. The Death, Salvation and Resurrection of Jesus Christ were synonyms of Trust, Faith, Courage, Fight, suffering yes, but not a suffering from which Jesus had attempted to run away. No, never again would I associate the meaning of Jesus´ death to some hopelessness or debt, and above all, to a weight of suffering that forced me to walk with my back bent because of the yoke that I myself was imposing upon me. Never again. (pg. 142-143) *** … One day I went to the beach, to a secret place that reminded me of my Indian guide and stayed there trying to meditate again. I tried, tried and tried. Nothing, not one image, not one sensation came near me. After a while, the noise of the ocean, the wind and the birds became very present inside me. I knew at that moment that the meditation had lost its meaning at the present time that I was living. I didn´t feel like meditating anymore. The meditation that I was wishing to do now was not a meditation of visions and images from a reality beyond, it was the one of the real things, in this world that I was living in, on this Earth. (pg. 144) *** …little by little I admitted that my mind was clarifying the whole story, and all that was happening in my life was a step in that direction, though I didn´t notice it. What I still wasn´t able to understand was that the enlightenment I needed was not a type of answer to all the questions that I asked, but the fact that those questions were ceasing to affect me and that I had to accept the mysteries for which I had no answer. *** … I decided to speak to someone who opened himself constantly to messages from the beyond. When I got there he welcomed me in a very simple way, and I immediately felt an overwhelming amount of energy. Everything he was saying made my mind feel very heavy. Not because his words were wrong, or harming me, it´s just that I wasn´t willing to continue to feel extrasensory energies. I understood that all I wanted was peace, harmony, but a real harmony, that didn´t include messages and vampire energy from the beyond… … at the time my adventure towards another reality had begun, I used to find meaning in everything, and that would close me to the things that had a real meaning. My mind had had no rest, anticipating itself to everything that happened, searching for answers to all that I did, making me in that way, lose the objective of the things that I really should do (the conection to the real world, the normal every day life). I understood ( because of the saturation of energy I had felt through that gentleman who opened himself to the beyond) that I wanted peace in my mind, however, that peace would not come through the desperate search of finding answers. The peace would come from letting go, abandoning that search. Whether it was wrong or right what I did, or what I felt, in any situation, I shouldn´t care. Whether there existed meaning or not in all that happened or didn´t happen, I wouldn´t worry about it. Since I felt insecure about everything, I shouldn´t look for certainties in anything. I had to put aside that anxiety. (pg. 147) *** … I understood that the loneliness I felt inside of me (loneliness in the sense of not being with someone who had gone through an experience like mine), and the emptiness that the beyond had left in that loneliness, was slowly dissolving as I was paying more attention to the people who were around me, allowing myself not to worry so much with what I couldn´t stop feeling. It was a constant fight, but as in the example of Jesus´ Death, I knew that I had to fight it with courage and perseverance. (pg. 147) *** … We sat in the garden and I told my father the story. He listened to me calmly, even in the most hallucinated episodes and at the end he looked at me and said simply: “Daughter, a great faith saved you.” On the way to my house I only thought about my father´s words. Just like my mother he had helped me to understand something that I hadn´t noticed. For me, the terror that I had been through had exclusively had a way out through the light of Christ, but I had never thought about the fact that I had believed in the Light. Through that faith, completely blind faith but at the same time full of inner vision, I had resurrected from Hell. In truth a great faith had saved me. (pg. 148)
Posted on: Mon, 12 Aug 2013 21:04:50 +0000
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