I LOVE YOU BUT YOUR BRUSSELS SPROUTS SUCK What a terrible thing to say, you think. He’s NEVER tried MY Brussels sprouts. True, but I’ve been forced to eat them dozens of ways and each time they taste like Brussel sprouts. Indeed, the whole Brassica family of veggies (cauliflower, Brussels sprouts, broccoli etc.) are inedible and can only be made edible if eaten in Denver and covered with caramelized marijuana. Thirty minutes and anything tastes good wrapped in caramelized MJ …horse manure, for example. It was for this reason, when I noticed a lady in a super market filling a bag with Brussels sprouts, I thought about her husband, who would be forced to eat them, and fantasized: ME (sidling up next to her): “Pardon me ma’m, but are you aware that those small green things are fornicating brassica?” HER (a shocked look on her face): “They’re Brussels sprouts!” ME (softly): “Brassica.” HER: “Brassica? Really? Is that bad?” ME (whispering): Listen closely: I can’t repeat this; there may be listening devices. Brassica is toxic. It blocks the thyroid gland. If your husband eats them, he’ll become lethargic, which will irritate his boss and lead to a confrontation after which he’ll be fired, won’t be recommended for another job, have to cash out his 401K before its time at great loss, become depressed, start looking at other women, hook up with a 20-year-old pole dancer leaving you and the kids to fend for yourselves. Your fatherless boy will get into a gang, your daughter will start dating a sleaze-bag who’ll get her pregnant; you’ll begin watching daytime telenovelas even though you can’t speak Spanish and eating chocolates that you rip off from a supermarket Halloween candy stand until one day you aren’t quick enough because you weigh 300 lbs and get caught. The judge gives you a choice. Ten years in jail or waitressing at a truck stop.” ME AGAIN (on my knees speaking into her ear as she lays comatose on the floor): “Don’t buy the fornicating Brussels sprouts.” You don’t have to thank me, famous broccoli hating President G.H. W. Bush; it wasnt only for you,it was a blow for our whole gender.
Posted on: Sun, 14 Sep 2014 01:41:56 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015