I TOO SUFFER FROM DEPRESSION KEVIN BREEL: CONFESSIONS OF A DEPRESSED COMIC For a long time in my life, I felt like Id been living two different lives. Theres the life that everyone sees, and then theres the life that only I see. And in the life that everyone sees, who I am is a friend, a son, a brother, a stand-up comedian and a teenager. Thats the life everyone sees. If you were to ask my friends and family to describe me, thats what they would tell you. And thats a huge part of me. That is who I am. And if you were to ask me to describe myself, Id probably say some of those same things. And I wouldnt be lying, but I wouldnt totally be telling you the truth, either, because the truth is, thats just the life everyone else sees. In the life that only I see, who I am, who I really am, is someone who struggles intensely with depression. I have for the last six years of my life, and I continue to every day. Now, for someone who has never experienced depression or doesnt really know what that means, that might surprise them to hear, because theres this pretty popular misconception that depression is just being sad when something in your life goes wrong, when you break up with your girlfriend, when you lose a loved one, when you dont get the job you wanted. But thats sadness. Thats a natural thing. Thats a natural human emotion. Real depression isnt being sad when something in your life goes wrong. Real depression is being sad when everything in your life is going right. Thats real depression, and thats what I suffer from. And to be totally honest, thats hard for me to stand up here and say. Its hard for me to talk about, and it seems to be hard for everyone to talk about, so much so that no ones talking about it. And no ones talking about depression, but we need to be, because right now its a massive problem. Its a massive problem. But we dont see it on social media, right? We dont see it on Facebook. We dont see it on Twitter. We dont see it on the news, because its not happy, its not fun, its not light. And so because we dont see it, we dont see the severity of it. But the severity of it and the seriousness of it is this: every 30 seconds, every 30 seconds, somewhere, someone in the world takes their own life because of depression, and it might be two blocks away, it might be two countries away, it might be two continents away, but its happening, and its happening every single day. And we have a tendency, as a society, to look at that and go, So what? So what? We look at that, and we go, Thats your problem. Thats their problem. We say were sad and we say were sorry, but we also say, So what? Well, two years ago it was my problem, because I sat on the edge of my bed where Id sat a million times before and I was suicidal. I was suicidal, and if you were to look at my life on the surface, you wouldnt see a kid who was suicidal. Youd see a kid who was the captain of his basketball team, the drama and theater student of the year, the English student of the year, someone who was consistently on the honor roll and consistently at every party. So you would say I wasnt depressed, you would say I wasnt suicidal, but you would be wrong. You would be wrong. So I sat there that night beside a bottle of pills with a pen and paper in my hand and I thought about taking my own life and I came this close to doing it. I came this close to doing it. And I didnt, so that makes me one of the lucky ones, one of the people who gets to step out on the ledge and look down but not jump, one of the lucky ones who survives. Well, I survived, and that just leaves me with my story, and my story is this: In four simple words, I suffer from depression. I suffer from depression, and for a long time, I think, I was living two totally different lives, where one person was always afraid of the other. I was afraid that people would see me for who I really was, that I wasnt the perfect, popular kid in high school everyone thought I was, that beneath my smile, there was struggle, and beneath my light, there was dark, and beneath my big personality just hid even bigger pain. See, some people might fear girls not liking them back. Some people might fear sharks. Some people might fear death. But for me, for a large part of my life, I feared myself. I feared my truth, I feared my honesty, I feared my vulnerability, and that fear made me feel like I was forced into a corner, like I was forced into a corner and there was only one way out, and so I thought about that way every single day. I thought about it every single day, and if Im being totally honest, standing here Ive thought about it again since, because thats the sickness, thats the struggle, thats depression, and depression isnt chicken pox. You dont beat it once and its gone forever. Its something you live with. Its something you live in. Its the roommate you cant kick out. Its the voice you cant ignore. Its the feelings you cant seem to escape, the scariest part is that after a while, you become numb to it. It becomes normal for you, and what you really fear the most isnt the suffering inside of you. Its the stigma inside of others, its the shame, its the embarrassment, its the disapproving look on a friends face, its the whispers in the hallway that youre weak, its the comments that youre crazy. Thats what keeps you from getting help. Thats what makes you hold it in and hide it. Its the stigma. So you hold it in and you hide it, and you hold it in and you hide it, and even though its keeping you in bed every day and its making your life feel empty no matter how much you try and fill it, you hide it, because the stigma in our society around depression is very real. Its very real, and if you think that it isnt, ask yourself this: Would you rather make your next Facebook status say youre having a tough time getting out of bed because you hurt your back or youre having a tough time getting out of bed every morning because youre depressed? Thats the stigma, because unfortunately, we live in a world where if you break your arm, everyone runs over to sign your cast, but if you tell people youre depressed, everyone runs the other way. Thats the stigma. We are so, so, so accepting of any body part breaking down other than our brains. And thats ignorance. Thats pure ignorance, and that ignorance has created a world that doesnt understand depression, that doesnt understand mental health. And thats ironic to me, because depression is one of the best documented problems we have in the world, yet its one of the least discussed. We just push it aside and put it in a corner and pretend its not there and hope itll fix itself. Well, it wont. It hasnt, and its not going to, because thats wishful thinking, and wishful thinking isnt a game plan, its procrastination, and we cant procrastinate on something this important. The first step in solving any problem is recognizing there is one. Well, we havent done that, so we cant really expect to find an answer when were still afraid of the question. And I dont know what the solution is. I wish I did, but I dont -- but I think, I think it has to start here. It has to start with me, it has to start with you, it has to start with the people who are suffering, the ones who are hidden in the shadows. We need to speak up and shatter the silence. We need to be the ones who are brave for what we believe in, because if theres one thing that Ive come to realize, if theres one thing that I see as the biggest problem, its not in building a world where we eliminate the ignorance of others. Its in building a world where we teach the acceptance of ourselves, where were okay with who we are, because when we get honest, we see that we all struggle and we all suffer. Whether its with this, whether its with something else, we all know what it is to hurt. We all know what it is to have pain in our heart, and we all know how important it is to heal. But right now, depression is societys deep cut that were content to put a Band-Aid over and pretend its not there. Well, it is there. It is there, and you know what? Its okay. Depression is okay. If youre going through it, know that youre okay. And know that youre sick, youre not weak, and its an issue, not an identity, because when you get past the fear and the ridicule and the judgment and the stigma of others, you can see depression for what it really is, and thats just a part of life, just a part of life, and as much as I hate, as much as I hate some of the places, some of the parts of my life depression has dragged me down to, in a lot of ways Im grateful for it. Because yeah, its put me in the valleys, but only to show me theres peaks, and yeah its dragged me through the dark but only to remind me there is light. My pain, more than anything in 19 years on this planet, has given me perspective, and my hurt, my hurt has forced me to have hope, have hope and to have faith, faith in myself, faith in others, faith that it can get better, that we can change this, that we can speak up and speak out and fight back against ignorance, fight back against intolerance, and more than anything, learn to love ourselves, learn to accept ourselves for who we are, the people we are, not the people the world wants us to be. Because the world I believe in is one where embracing your light doesnt mean ignoring your dark. The world I believe in is one where were measured by our ability to overcome adversities, not avoid them. The world I believe in is one where I can look someone in the eye and say, Im going through hell, and they can look back at me and go, Me too, and thats okay, and its okay because depression is okay. Were people. Were people, and we struggle and we suffer and we bleed and we cry, and if you think that true strength means never showing any weakness, then Im here to tell you youre wrong. Youre wrong, because its the opposite. Were people, and we have problems. Were not perfect, and thats okay. So we need to stop the ignorance, stop the intolerance, stop the stigma, and stop the silence, and we need to take away the taboos, take a look at the truth, and start talking, because the only way were going to beat a problem that people are battling alone is by standing strong together, by standing strong together. And I believe that we can. I believe that we can. Thank you guys so much. This is a dream come true. Thank you.
Posted on: Tue, 12 Aug 2014 20:08:04 +0000
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