I WILL NEVER PURSUE YOU Maybe I’m beginning to like you a lot, but I will never pursue you. Around me, I’m tempted by all these pawns calling me to use them, looking me in the eye, saying maybe you and I can ”accidentally” bump into each other in a coffee shop; maybe we can schedule “friendly dates” with a bunch of conniving friends; maybe I can start “innocent” topics with you over that gleaming chat box, ask you things that no one would brand as bad, I can even send you “wrong sends.” But even this early, I realized that albeit pawns are the most numerous pieces in a game, at the end of the day, they are but the weakest. Don’t get me wrong - I want to be with you. Just to get to know you more, I am ready to manipulate so many things - things I can hide in my heart’s darkest cellars things you would never have to know I did. And I am so sorry if so many times I feel terribly inclined to make things happen in a forced manner through the methods I uncannily know; and always try to get in your way even if most of the time, it’s way out of mine. I would never want to know how it is to look at you knowing that only my own human hands engineered the story we so thoughtlessly call ours. I choose not to get my hands dirty. I will not move my cards - use things, use people just to get to you. I will be secure even if we do not get to be together as often as I would want us to. I will be happy even if we do not get to know each other as fast as I want us to. I will not sulk if I do not get my way in trying to make way for us to finally talk. I choose to be secure even if such things are way out of my control. Perhaps my heart will rest more happily knowing that I have never orchestrated things by employing selfish methods; never cheated you by whispering my own words through other people’s mouths, never betrayed you by telling you at the end of the day that it is I who made everything possible, that it is I who worked behind the scenes, that it is I who controlled and manipulated everything just like some pathetic cheater in any easy exam. If anything, maybe I can write these things about you in secret for now then just tell you everything (laughingly) in the future. Plenty of time to bide, to strive, to try to improve myself, become a better woman. But one thing I’ll never do is pursue you. I’ll never do the pursuing the making way the courting the getting to know And the trying to be close to you part. Because it’s not my part. I’ll stick to the part that I know - and that is to keep my heart pure. So pure That when love finally finds me I’ll know that what I have is divine. My part is to trust God, to fix my eyes on Him, to acknowledge His sovereignty in all my life’s areas I don’t want human hands Not mine. Not yours. I want the only Hands that matter – His. That as I wait, He’ll be my only delight my singular motive, my one true purpose; for His will and His person to become my lifes utmost concern. I’ll never pursue you or anyone else. I’ll pursue the One who loves me best, knows me best, and who’s the only authority to deem it best if ever you are the one I should have in my life… Or not. Until then, I may find myself liking you too much, but I will never pursue you. -Ann Luna
Posted on: Sat, 04 Oct 2014 04:43:23 +0000
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