I am about to unleash a few years of built up frustration!! All my life I sought after stability and a constant love..... SOMEONE to stick around and make me feel like its all going to be ok!!!!!!! Much of the time Ive been fighting battles without tangible bodies to comfort me!!!!! I am 28 years old and a single parent. I do my damdest to make sure my daughter never feels like I did growing up.... deserted. However, I still feel that way at times... EX: this week, today, the past few years, all my life. I have been the unlovable. NO ONE ever sticks around. On top of that horrible thought, I am working a slightly above minimum wage job, looking for a second, but afraid the time away from Emery will make her feel the effects of her fathers AND mothers neglect of quality time with her. I attempted to have a yard sale to put money in savings for her Christmas, etc. It started off okay, but then sucked rotten eggs the remainder of the day. I was staying hopeful that again SOMEONE would show up, but they never did. AS USUAL when Im waiting for SOMEONE, ..... I found a terrentuous storm instead. I ran outside gathering up what wasnt ruined during the storm and I tried to rescue it. I am always struggling and getting rained on. I just layed down in a puddle, cackling and crying..... neighbors across the balcony watching this crazy person having another melt-down. I said, God, do you take people out of my life because you want me all to yourself? Do you want me to struggle because it keeps me closer to you? Do you want me to be a wreck so that you can save me and be glorified.... because I dont want this anymore. I HATE feeling this way. Every time I get somewhere.... which its been a HUGE struggle and fight for me to progress to anything for some reason...... everything unravels on a different level than before! Soaking wet, I walked inside and cried harder. I am alone in some ways. I carry my financial stress, parenting worries, emotional stress on my shoulders. I want SOMEONE to fight through life with. I dont understand why my life is what it is at this point, but I trust in God so much that eventhough I question Him, I know after the storm passes everything will be greener. I trust Him no matter what. I dont have to know all the details to why things dont work out, I just know they will. I find my life in His. I know Im not the only person who feels this way. We all have at one time or another. God gave me Emery as a sign of His love and confirmation of His love for me. I am not alone and when the time is right SOMEONE will come along. I have to stay focused on Gods promise and not on what Im seeing. God is just building faith in me without borders. All my fear I surrender. I know He holds my heart and I have to fight myself to follow Him sometimes, but the trials wont stop me. His love is my companion. #humbleglory
Posted on: Sat, 23 Aug 2014 23:56:14 +0000
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