I am the Subject ~ Exposing my thoughts on Religion vs Spirituality, revised A few years ago I was re-experiencing those nebulous, hidden feelings of resentment that stem from this push within me to be free (but not at anyone else’s expense). Thirty-six years ago a man I had never met before, walked up to me after a get-together, sat me down & said this: God is going to bring you into a place of freedom that you cant even conceive of! Everything inside of me responded in a big YES!...and all these years of walking out this life, I live expectantly; once in a while to look inside to gauge the freedom level. How genuine am I being? How sincere? How kind? How real? But most importantly, am I being who I am created to be? Am I doing what was placed inside me at birth, in expectation of fruit being born? The subject of Worth comes in here...you cannot live in freedom if that subject is not settled in your heart. The current psychology dealing with worth, whether religious or secular, says that we need to come to believe in our own worth. To know & BELIEVE that we are of value & importance, yada yada yada. I came to this conclusion, and found it very delivering: I am. This makes me like my Father, God. I live; and that for myself, not for any society, large or small. Self-worth is a moot question. The idea of digging around inside myself mentally, in order to come up with a conclusion about my own self-worth, gets terribly ludicrous in light of the fact that since I believe that I am a created being...WHO AM I TO JUDGE MY OWN WORTH???? Its like a big slap in the face of God, to question, to bemoan, to belittle, the work of his hands. Once I saw that, my years of stupidity slid away. Now THEREs freedom. Freedom not to care, and it leaves more time for more fruitful meditating :-) As for the feelings of resentment. What I resented was this: Being pressured my whole life to fit into an image, bending to whatever expectations certain groups of people that I was currently walking out my particular days with, deemed right. That is an insidiously subtle error. Its a group force that no one realizes they are participating in. It comes in the form of words...words floating down onto our heads from messages from the pulpits. Words streaming into our minds from music and ‘how-to book; through teaching series and conversations. The image is perpetrated by the mass in our media, which even if we dont over indulge in seeps inside of us. I HATE this. It should be hated. I will fight it. The image of the bride. The image of the mother. The image of the wife. The image of my age. The image of what is religious as opposed to what is truly spiritual. Give me a chance, and I will break that image before your eyes, and I will give you a slice of my reality, no charge. The personal resentment was even against myself, that I had let the outward necessities of my days govern the kingdom of my inner life. I resented the fact that my head used to think in terms of poetry, and now it thinks in prose. Where is my river? Where are MY streams in this desert??? No one took them from me. I left them unattended. The consolation here is that the Source is Eternal. They are not truly lost. When I laid down the burden of the false images imposed upon me, then the streams broke loose from their narrowed shores...They merged to form rivers, and life itself now flows again, and over-flows. My mind takes the World by its shoulders and yells in its face: I will be who I am. No more Let me be...it is my responsibility to live this life, not yours. I take back the pointed finger, it merely wove another thread of deception in my mind. “If I wept, it is because the slender branch of bestowed worth (with those willow-like, drooping leaves of acceptance) is known to be precious.” (my response to one who was able to see any worthiness in me at a time when I felt quite empty of such a gift.)
Posted on: Sat, 11 Oct 2014 13:15:30 +0000
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