I cant believe its August already. I was supposed to be done with the 18 weeks of chemo on July 24th. Low white blood cell counts have put me behind three weeks. I just started my final cycle of chemo last week Thursday. I have 2 treatments left before I begin maintenance chemo! My CT scan is August 18th. Although my tumor markers are now negative (last CA-125 was 19), the CT scan will be the big test to see if the cancer is truly all gone. I also recently met with a genetics counselor. I get the results of my genetic testing on August 13th. Im really nervous about these results. If I test positive for certain things, my risk of breast and/or colon cancer will be increased dramatically. Im crossing my fingers that this was all just a fluke...that I just drew the short straw in life. I dont want it to have a genetic component because that means my children will be at a higher risk of having cancer. Im slowing beginning to feel like myself-physically and emotionally. Im tired this week because of chemo, but when it wears off, I start to feel more energetic. Im not crying every single day anymore, so thats an improvement. Time has begun to heal some of my wounds. Im still struggling to accept that my breastfeeding days are over. Its national breastfeeding week, so Ive been bombarded with images and articles about breastfeeding. Its torture for me. Its a constant reminder of what I lost. Im happy and supportive of all the mamas that are nursing, but it still stings. Without these women, Lucia would be on formula. I am extremely grateful for all of the donors. A small part of me is still holding out hope that Ill nurse her again some day. I wish I could be okay with letting it go, but I just cant. Its not in me to give up on something that is so important to me. I know that I need to accept it and move on...I hope that day comes soon. As for Lucia...shes a moose! She is doing so amazing. Shes almost 5 months old, and she weighs 16#! Shes a happy baby for the most part. She loves when I sing YMCA to her. She is starting to really notice her big brother. She is half infatuated, half scared of him. Dylan just turned 3 last week. We took him to the Strong Museum of Play for his birthday. Overall, things are looking up for us. We are starting to return to a routine of sorts. It feels great to have a sense of normalcy after all these months of chaos and unknown. I cant wait to be done with chemo, so I can really start feeling better and living my life to the fullest. Its so close.
Posted on: Tue, 05 Aug 2014 17:01:46 +0000
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